My first world book day

Sister: What are you doing for your birthday

Me: I am going to be sobbing, rocking back and forth in a corner with sparkles and costumes surrounding me

Sister: Why?

Me: Its world book day, I know parents of older children

Sister: I will sort something

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Living with……

I often think that the hardest thing with anxiety is that people without it can’t comprehend how difficult it is to do simple things like taking your child to school, during the school run.

Choosing to either go to the shops to get milk or deciding it would be easier to drink your coffee black.

Cutting the dogs walk short because you feel anxious that there is more than 5 people in a massive field.

I think people can understand the big things, not going to the pub on a Friday and Saturday night because it is too crowded, going to big cities. Those are understandable but the small simple day to day things, I see people can’t get their head round.

The other main thing is the feeling that you are often alone in your thoughts and how you feel.

And that one to me is one of the things we need to change in our worlds. If you suffer from anxiety, the inability to sometimes leave your house, the times, when you feel your heart might come out your chest because you are so nervous. The wanting to run away, when you are in a crowd of people. The unexplained feeling of panic.

You are not alone and there is help and people out there that do understand.

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What would you do?

Having my son off this week, I have been watching more than the usual amount of kids tv. Cartoonito have been having a special on Fireman Sam and I am now well and truly invested.

If you have never watched it, it involves a small town in Pontyandy, which has 25 people living in

There are 5 families:

The Jones Dad who is a fisherman, mum who runs the cafe and a set of twins

The Floods Dad is a handyman, mum is a nurser and one daughter

The Chen’s Mum is a teacher and one daughter

The other family, whose name I can’t remember dad is an inventer, mum is ┬ávet and one daughter

Lastly there is the Price’s mum is who is owner of the shop and one son

The rest of the town is involved in the fire service one way or anther. This town has 3 boats, a fire engine, a jeep, 3 wheeled motorbike, a train fire engine, a helicopter. There are 5 firemen/women a helicopter pilot and a coastguard. The last three people are the train driver, who is Granddad Jones, a bus driver and the mountain rescue guy. If anyone wants to know where the public money is going check this place and Greendale (postman pat)

Now the reason why I am writing is I do go onto some parenting forums and I have to wonder what a post about Norman Price would look like, this boy is a nightmare. So I thought I would do one. Mainly cause I am waiting for dinner to be cooked and I thought it would be amusing.

Please help:

I live in a very small village, and there is a small boy who is causing so much trouble and his mother doesn’t seem to be doing anything. A few examples for you.

He was mucking around on his skateboard and the bus driver ran it over, the boy was fine, but the skateboard was ruined. He decided that the best thing he could do was go to a famous wishing well we have and take all the pennies from it and buy a new skateboard. he got stuck, so the fire department were called out. His punishment a new skateboard.

One of the other children had a remote control airplane, this boy took the control and got the plane stuck up a tree, both children tried to get it back down and ended up getting stuck in the tree, having to call the fire brigade again.

This boy decided to do a magic show, lovely till, he overloaded the electrics, but noone knew it had started smoking because he had taken the batteries out of the smoke alarm to use in his radio, nearly burning down the house.

Halloween, he used different costumes to get the majority of candy in the village (his cousin was staying and helped him) in his rush to beat all the other children to the last house, he lost control of his bike and ended up in the sea, causing the coastguard to be called.

He abandoned one of the younger children on the beach and she was left on the sandbank, causing the fire brigade to be called out again.

The fire station had an open day and he stole the fire engine.

Some of the children had a sleepover, he overloaded the toaster, causing it to set fire.

The latest thing and what has prompted me to start this thread is that recently the cubs went on a widelife outing into the forest, it was meant to be a time of learning how to forage, he stole some sausages from the local shop, and tried to start a fire to cook them. Normally would be fine, but with the dry weather recently, we had a no fire policy in the forest. He didn’t put the fire out properly causing the forest to go up in flames (you might of seen this on the news) and us having to evecuate the village, we were fortunate that it started raining, saving our little village . His punishment, not getting his foraging badge.

This boy nearly destroyed our homes and his punishment was nothing, due to the amount of times we have had to call the fire brigade for certain things (mainly due to him) our home insurance is through the roof. There is something not right about this boy and his mother seems incapable of doing anything, certain sees him through rose tinted glasses.

What would you do?


Dinner is ready, hope you enjoyed it


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Ats and crafts

With my son on half term, he has homework. I haven’t do homework since I left school and since monkey is only 4 this is really his first set of holiday homework.

I read the homework and felt my heart sink, it involved making things for a fairy tale.

I am not crafty, my cakes burn, the bottle rocket, never looks like a rocket. I tried the thing with the food colouring and made a pigs ear of that. So I was not a happy bunny.

In these cases I am lucky I have my sister, who is fantastic with this sort of thing, so I put a very unsubtle message on facebook begging for help.

My first reply though wasn’t from her but a close friend, who I had forgotten does this sort of thing for a living. She was straight round to help. I say help I mean do it for us. She got my son involved and they made Jack and the Beanstalk


You have jack and his basket of beans, the mother, a house and the giant in his garden, which yes does have crabs in it.

Unfortunatly monkey has been fighting a cold since Monday and it has gotten much worse today, so I think today is going to be curled up on the sofa, or as he put it a looking after monkey day.

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My son is on half term this week, like many four year olds, he doesn’t understand holidays mean lie ins.

We are still up at 7am, its at times like these I look forward to the teenage years.

I never really plan the holidays, just do as and when, however I find myself this holiday thinking I should really plan my days better and figure stuff for us to do, practising his writing and maths and such like, without it seeming like a chore.

Maybe if we can manage it a walk into the woods, baking stuff, at times I think its great fun and other times I just think I am not that sort of mum. I will happily play with him, with his toys, games and cards, but crafty and making stuff is not me.

My son, however, is a stubborn type of a boy, if he gets an idea in his head thats it. That is what we are doing.

I suppose I could go on a few sites and have a look at what we can do and go from there.

Anyway, just musing.


Have a great day

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Anxiety, bipolar, OCD and being a mother

When I talk about mental health, I often try and talk in broad terms, but of course with mental health that is impossible, like many other diseases, it depends on the person.

My down periods are never like my friend’s C, just like our anxiety is completely different, we react differently to different medication and to talking therapy.

So when I write I am writing about my personal experience, because its like no one elses. One of the things I find difficult is raising my son, especially now he is getting older. He wants to do more things and experience more things. As a mother I want to do this for him, my mental health disagrees with this.

I often find that my mental health is at odds with each other. By going manic, I could pop to a large city, wonder round, chat to people, have a great time, meanwhile my anxiety is like nop not doing that, by mania wins.

Some days my depression will be so bad I don’t want to get out of bed, my OCD will be doing backflips going but you need to get this done, then my anxiety will pop up and make my OCD bit worse, meanwhile my depression part of the brain will be sitting there telling me there is no point.

It is often a constant and exhausting battle. When my son was younger, we could do things at my speed, I could spend weekends building forts, playing hide and seek, or just lounging on the sofa.

That is starting to become more problamatic. My maternal instinct is to give my son everything he needs, so this could include play dates with friends, parties, discos, where as my mental health instinct is to stay away as much as possible and hide under the duvet.


I am finding, particularly with this week, I am pushing myself harder and harder and it is taking me longer and longer to recover.

Saturday, was the toy shop day, I didn’t move out the house for the rest of the weekend.

Monday was swimming lessons, that was hell, I refused to move out the house till Thursday.

Tonight (Friday) is my son’s disco, and it was packed, I am sitting here trying to control my breathing, while praying I don’t throw up, my chest is so tight and I think my heart is about to come out of my chest.

It is unusual that is has all happened at once. But I am finding that the more I push myself out of my comfort zone the harder it is to do things that I use to be able to do, such as go to the shops.

However, I would do anything for that little boy, he is my life and what keeps me going on a daily basis, he annoys the crap out of me somedays, but he has given me some great comedy and he is very loving. He will never have the usual childhood that other children will have, but as long as I can keep doing what I am doing, then it will be worth it

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The postman never brings me nice things

I mean, he brings me bills, overdue letters, and very disappointingly letters from the benefit office.

Now I know its not really his fault, he is just doing his job, but since I don’t have a face to put to all the others, he has to take the blame.


The reason I am telling you about my postman, is today he bought me a letter from the DWP (department of work and pensions) basically these people decide my benefits.

I had an assessment a few weeks ago, I understand why they do them, but the do bring an element of extreme stress and anxiety.

They also have a very bad reputation of refusing to allow certain benefits, so that you have to appeal, its something like 90% of all cases are granted on appeal.

However what does this mean for me? It means they have taken me off the support group and into the work focus group.. This would normally be great, except I am not there yet, I still have panic attacks taking my son to school which you can see from my house.

The work focus group involves me going to interviews and looking for work. If I could find a job, with no crowds, that allows for depression and manic days, then I would be doing it.

I don’t enjoy being on benefits, infact I bloody hate it.

So now I have to fight to get reinstated back to the support group and to be honest I just don’t have the fight left in me. Which is probably what they are counting on. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Its times like these that the voice gets loud in my head and I wonder what is the fucking point. The health service is at such a breaking point, that unless you are standing in A&E with your wrists slashed you are not deemed a risk or an emergency, the government is there screaming how much of a waste you are and its hard to keep fighting when half of you agrees and the other half just wants to curl up and pretend its not happening.

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