When I grow up

I am seriously thinking about becoming a DIY person, actually go on some courses. Learn the basics.

I mentioned my dishwasher had gone boom, I have looked over it, can’t figure it out, but we think it has something with the water flow system or maybe the pressure pump. In the end called someone to check it, took one look at it and just went you need a new one. Its old, so finding the basics, would be tough.

If I knew what to do I could probably fix it. However I am not messing with something that might end up killing me.

But bugger, I am keeping an eye on freecycle and ebay, to see what we can come up with. Hopefully I can find something. I am keeping an eye on the washing machine though, I could live without a dishwasher, I have a sink, fairly liquid and a sponge. Washing machine, would involve going somewhere to get it washed. Although if push came to shove, I suppose crying to my dad and getting him to let me use his. Or crying hysterically and seeing if he would buy me one. However I am sensing his opinion is you are an adult, buy your own.

Anyway I am off to go and check through gumtree, see what is available there, my partner has put a spanner in the works, by saying that if I get my hands on one, which we will have to collect. Make sure we collect it, when our son is at school. Didn’t think of that, damn him being sensible

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Down the lonely road

I am never sure how to start these types of posts, because, while I love sympthy, I don’t need it in a sense.

The last few days have been bad depression wise. I have had thoughts of self harm and suicide.  While I think I am through the worse of it, I am learning that I have to ride the wave and just do things to keep myself and my family safe.

Then my dishwasher broke (you can give sympathy on this) It happened just as I filled it with dishes, and then cooked a massive roast dinner, using, probably, every single dish we have. Don’t normally worry about it, cause I have a dishwasher.

Now I am going to have to clean all the bloody pots, pans and dishes. I left it for a day, to see if I can fix it. But now I can’t see the surfaces in my kitchen. So today will be spent, cleaning the dishes, swearing at my dishwasher and trying to figure out what is wrong with it.

These are the days I am glad we have the internet, before I am fairly sure I would of just called someone to fix it. But with youtube I can see if I can fix it first. I am sure its a blockage in the water pipe. So should be fairly easy to fix.


At least that is what I thought. While I like to think of myself as an intelligent person, I can be outstandingly stupid. Didn’t occur to me, that when I disconnect the water tube thing, would of been a sensible idea to turn off the water leading to the dishwasher. I got soaked.


I am telling you this not to distract you from the fact that my depression is bad, but more to distract myself, its a coping mechanism, like, for an example, when you see someone head down on their phone, not paying attention to the world around them. That could be me. If I am forced to go out, I use my phone to distract myself, normally I am chatting to C, who from 300 miles away is holing my hand or trying to make me giggle.


So that is me at the moment. Hope you are all good and have had a good weekend




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If its not one thing its another

The post has arrived, I hate getting post, its never anything nice. Today the postman bought me a big brown envelope.

No idea what it was, so I opened it. The government want to do a check on me for my disability payments. Keep in mind, they have already done a check for a different benefit payment.

This has put me into a tailspin, I wasn’t doing great as it was, but this has just pulled me down and I feel like crying.

I know this might not seem like this is my normal upbeat sort of posts and its not. The simple fact is I am tired of fighting, fighting the NHS, fighting for benefit payments, fighting my own brain and right now, its tough and go which way I am going to go.

I am waking up in the mornings not wanting to get up, I struggle to get through the day, even with my son here, I just look at him and think you deserve so much better than this.

This is the sad fact that this government is doing to people who suffer from mental health and to be honest probably from physical problems as well.

A month ago, I was doing fine, getting through the day and poof the assessor seems to think that I would be able to find a job, despite the fact that I need either my partner or my son to be with me where ever I go. That started the downward spiral, someone didn’t believe that I struggle on a day to day basis. To have to try and explain the feeling of desperation, it winds you. Its like being sucker punched. Then you have to try and fight it, that takes so much out of you. I was lucky that C wrote my letter for me, but it might not be enough. Why would it not be enough? Because I am no longer under a doctor’s care. Why? Because the NHS doesn’t have the resources to help someone who is not standing in A&E with their wrists slit.

This is the government we are now living with, stealth killings off of the poor, the weak and the vulnerable.

I wish I could say I was exaggerating but I am living it, I know that I was getting better, I was doing things out of my comfort zone and yes I had bad days, but they were managable.

Since these bloody assessments, I have had 2 manic episodes, 4 depressive episodes and now sit clock watching dreading the times I have to go and pick my son up, nothing has changed in my life, apart from this and knowing my stress level is going up.

I don’t want to be on benefits, I want to be working but forcing me into a job before I am ready is not the solution. Even if I could get a job.


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Out of no where

One of the things, that I hate about my anxiety is the fact it comes out of no where. I can be sitting on the sofa and suddenly boom.

Thats how it has been today, I woke up, had a coffee and suddenly could feel the knot in my stomach, the sick feeling in my mouth, my palms are sweaty and I have no idea why.

For this reason, is why I think CBT (talking therapy) doesn’t work for me. It relies on finding your first thought just before you start to panic, isolate it and think is that realistic. I don’t have that first thought, I go from fine to panic in a second.

While writing this, my partner has just popped home unexpectedly. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Just bloody typical when I am already anxious

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A controversial subject

Its international woman’s day and although I had forgotten about it, it kind of fits in (well I am going to make it fit in) with something I have been researching recently.

I have only just started looking into this subject to try and understand it, so I can form some type of opinion on it. Though I must admit, in many ways it doesn’t effect me.

The subject, sex. Now what I mean been by that is the biological term, male and female, leading me onto trans individuals, particular male to female in sports

Some people see this as very black and white. Should be which ever organs you are born with, should be the field you compete in.

However there is a lot of different colours in there.

I cannot even place myself into feeling like I been born into the wrong body. I can’t imagine, the emotional or mental challenges someone would have to go through.

Rights are still being fought for on this, now you get some people say this is men forcing their way into riding roughshod over woman’s rights. It was this that got me interested. How does this become a female rights argument.

The first example I came across is in a New Zealand weightlifting team, where a transgender woman has been chosen over a female athlete. Another example is in Texas, where again, a transgender woman has won a wrestling title. There are many other examples.

I suppose my issue, is that male and female bodies are different, its not just the sexual organs, skeleton, muscle mass, testosterone. I could go on. Now while you can do certain things to try and change your body its just not possible in today’s science to fully change a male body to a female and visa versa.

This is when the argument that woman’s rights are starting to be eroded. Its not about being able to use a toilet and which one you should use. Its about the fact that women are being dropped out of sports, to allow trans individuals to compete, when its not exactly fair. Now I don’t know what the answer is, at what point do you say this is the right thing to do for indivduals who feel like they have not been born in the right body and this is now not the right thing for women/men.


Then as I was looking into this trying to figure out some answers. I came across an article of a woman who has been charged with rape. In the UK this is unusual as rape in the UK is defined as non consensual with a penis. So in the UK a woman is unable to commit rape, anything that a woman does is classed as sexual assault.

This made me very curious, so I did a bit of digging and found that the woman being charged is biologically a man.

This makes no sense, they are either charging a man with rape, or a woman with sexual assault. But of course it is not as easy as this, other questions such as which prison should they go to?

In no way is this very difficult matter going to be solved by me, in one post sitting on the sofa typing away. However it is something to think about.

A few disclaimers, if I have gotten any terminology wrong and offended anyone I am sorry, I am still learning.

I am in no way saying or thinking that trans individuals shouldn’t have rights, they should. We should live in a world, were we should all live in harmony, having these type of discussions should lead us to understanding other  views and how everyone is feeling. Its a challenging world out there and everyone’s rights should be respected.

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You need to take a time out

Last week was amazingly busy, for someone who doesn’t leave the house, I left it alot. Well 3 times.


Thats a lot for me, all 3 were very enjoyable, but after being manic the weekend before, this week it has all come crushing down. My anxiety is back up to a 10 and I honestly believe that your mind and body needs to rest.

I am awe of people who are always busy and never seem to take a time out. I look at them thinking, don’t you just want to sit down and chill for 10 minutes.

Obviously for me its often longer than 10 minutes. However, while the anxiety is high, for the first time in a while, I also have motivation, while having anxiety. Its a very strange feeling to be honest, part of me wants to curl up and the other part is telling me to go empty the dishwasher.

It does make me hopeful for my future, I often have doubts of working again and that is a very depressing thought. I don’t want to do that, I want to be able to say to my son, be good mummy is going to work.

While I don’t exactly agree with the whole if you are not working you don’t give a good work ethic to your child. I can see exactly where it comes from.

At the moment, my son sees his dad going out to work each day and me looking after him. At some point, I assume it will occure to him that while he at school I am not doing that, but so far I have gotten away with it.

Of course if my blog takes off and I get millions of followers and the money comes flooding in, then I can say this is my job. While I am waiting for that happen I will go and empty the dishwasher 😉

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World book day has arrived

I have recently discovered this is really a UK thing, while the world has a world book day, its in October.

Basically for those not in the UK or do not have children. Your child dresses up as a book character.

Most parents, tend to send their kids in costumes they already have and make a character to fit. Which is exactly what I was going to do, but my sister got involved, she is amazingly crafty. I think when they were giving out arts and crafts gifts, she got mine as well as her’s.


My son wanted to be Stickman, so she did stickman


How awesome is that costume.





P.S Got my roller blades today they are awesome.

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