Stolen from facebook

A friend of a friend has written this on facebook and gave his permission to share it. This is from Ed

 

It’s Mental Health Awareness Week.

I’ve written that down, and I’m staring at it. I want to write something that encompasses that experience. I want to write something that will help those outside to grasp what that means to those of us inside.

I don’t know if I can.

You either get it, or you don’t. Until you’ve actually been on the other side of that veil, you’ve genuinely got no idea how incredibly debilitating it is. That’s sort of where the whole mental health stigma springs from, I suspect, the root of the attitude that people should just get over it.

Trust me, if we could, we would.

I would dearly like to be able to dig my way out of this by myself. I would love to wake up in the morning and not have to check how many spoons I’ve got before I even get out of bed. I would love to be able to live without the deafening roar of my own thoughts turned against me, the constant background static of anxiety and second guessing that clutters my head. I would love to spend just one day not battling with my self-esteem, not desperately seeking just one small fraction of hope or proof that life is actually worth the colossal effort it seems to take just to get through each day.

I would like to be able to pick up the phone without it being a struggle to break through the wall of silence that depression wraps you in.

I spend so much energy keeping myself together, keeping myself going, that you’d think I’d sleep like the dead each night. Yeah, not so much. Depression, anxiety and mental health issues also tend to induce insomnia, so you go to bed tired, and wake up tired, which as you can imagine really helps the following day.

And I can explain this until I’m blue in the face, but it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t look ill. I don’t, generally, act ill. I laugh, I dissemble, and I hide. I wear my game face every day because it helps me cope, and because I have to.

“How are you?”

Well, my life feels like a train wreck, my internal monologue is generally screaming noise that fails to distract me from the gaping void inside me, and quite frankly, getting hit by a bus would be a mercy.

“I’m fine.”

It’s not all doom and gloom. There is professional help available, and the drugs do help. There are people around you, whether you realise it or not, who DO get it, and who will try and help the best they can. It is possible to talk to someone like that even if it’s just to lance the sense of isolation it all tends to breed in you. I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by friends who understand, and who do their best to help, and I’m incredibly grateful for that, even when I don’t seem it. Trust me, if your friend is low, they appreciate you making the effort to bridge the gap, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Every little bit helps, and please don’t ever stop making the effort… every little shred of it is a lifeline to someone literally drowning in their own head.

To others in my position: start talking to people about it, and don’t stop. The silence kills, quite literally. Once you start talking, you’ll be a little startled by how many people turn around, and say “Yeah, me too”, or have a family member, a friend, affected by it. I was. It helps. You’ll also be startled by how much easier it gets to talk about it, and how much that eases the burden.

I’m not looking for sympathy here. This is not a “Poor Me”. Part of dealing with this is treating like any other long-term illness. It’s not going away by itself, so I have to acknowledge it, and treat it accordingly. I have to be aware of how it influences me and my reactions, my interactions with other people. I have to own it, because ignoring it doesn’t work, at least not for me. Compared to two years ago, I’m head and shoulders above where I was, my quality of life is much improved, thoughts of suicide pushed to the back where they belong.

But it’s Mental Health Awareness Week, and I honestly couldn’t let that go by without saying:

“Yeah, me too.”

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Magnificent Seven *Spoilers*

I watched this film last night, magnificent seven.

 

What a load of shit, they all fucking died at the end. (This would be the spoiler)

No they never died at the end, I don’t care if the producer wasn’t doing a remake, they shouldn’t of fucking died at the end.

It has really annoyed me.

 

As you all were

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Bad timings

After nearly three weeks off my son went back to school last week, fantastic a time to catch up.

This week, we had a bank holiday in the UK on Monday, we were meant to have a day of fun, but my son started saying he wasn’t feeling well and followed this up by throwing up twice, by the time my partner came home, I was started to feel unwell as well.

This meant my son had Tuesday off, I did think about sending him into school on Wednesday, so I could die a slow death, but his temprature was so high, and he was still complaining he was unwell, plus its normally 48 hours after someone has thrown up that you can send them back. This would be all well and good apart from today

Today is polling day and our council uses the school as a polling station, meaning its shut.

This annoys me on 2 levels, one its bad timing and two it really annoys me that if I take my child out of school for any other reason than he is sick, I get a £60 fine, but the government who set this fine up, get to choose to have children off because its cheaper than renting a place.

Maybe if the council had to pay each parents costs, they would stop using schools.

It has also annoyed me because my son has been ill, so is only going to be going into school on one day.

Plus side in all of this is when telling my son about having to vote and why is first question was mummy am I going to be in charge? Looks like my plan for world dominaion through him is going well.

Anyway if you are in the UK and have voting go on in your area. Go and vote, don’t care who you vote for, but you can’t complain about the state of the roads, healthcare in your area, bins or anything local if you haven’t spent 10 minutes of your day putting a cross in a box.

And if you are not sure who to vote for, I would say Lib Dems, mainly because the Conservitives are bastards and Labour are unorgainised. Neither is doing their job and its time for a massive change. Actually if you want a massive change vote for the Green party and make my friend C happy.

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Being on the Tory slide

With all the political unrest in Great Britain I have been trying to think how to explain, why I don’t think the Tory party is any good for the UK, don’t get me wrong, I am not a fan of the Labour Party either.

However being under the Tory party is like being on a slide.

Imagine a slide is flat, one end attached to the ground and the other end is attached to a massive crane, as the crane starts to lift the slide, people start sliding down. Those at the bottom are the poorest, they have the least to slide because they know the shit storm that is coming. The problem starts when those closest to the top, those that voted for the Tory party, who believed in what they are saying starts to fall, they have the longest and steepest way to fall.

That ladies and gentlemen is being under the Tory party and to be fair probably the Labour party as well, possibly the Lib Dems, definitly UKIP and I am going to put the Greens in there as well.

But I dislike the Tory party more at the moment.

 

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Panic

I had promised my son a treat today, usually a cupcake, what normally happens is my partner goes and picks it up, but that is not what happened today.

Today I had to go and pick it up, being the mature adult I am, I took my son. Had a full blown panic attack in the shop and ended up crying.

Yep today I did adulting shitly.

Still trying to calm down, now I am at home, what I want to do is go back to bed, what my son wants to do is play paw patrol.

Guess I will be playing paw patrol.

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Writing fiction

I have a question for you all. I have written a short story, its a bit bleak but so is my mood.

I am not sure if this is something which I am going to do often, or if it was just a one time thing, however I am wondering if it is a long term thing if I wanted people to read them to put them up here, or make a new blog. While I keep in mind its my blog and I will do what I want. I also want to keep this as a mental health blod, with a bit of random thrown in.

However on the flip side of that I think the stories are an indicition of my mood, so it could be interesting and linked to my mental health.

I hate not being able to make a decision

 

Oh and because she likes to keep it quiet. Happy Birthday M

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Really shitty luck

My laptop of five years broke, that was upsetting, but my sister let me have her old macbook. That refused to load the OS system, wrong discs, or disc drive was broken.

Sourced another laptop. 2 days and it now refuses to load.

Technology and I clearly do not mix.

Bugger

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