Bastard chemistry

So yesterday I was feeling down, today I am up. I am getting use to these changes.

Due to the rapidness of my bipolar, I can go from depressed to manic in 24 hours.

However the powers that be threw in anxiety, which is a bastard.

I took my son to school today, I normally go so we are a couple of minutes late to save standing there with a group of people.

However we got caught up in the older kids going to school, which meant we were all crowded together. Cue a full blown panic attack. Which was unpleasent.

I normally can keep it together, but literally ran home and locked the door, till I had calmed down. Which I still haven’t, the tightness in my chest is still there, the sick feeling in my stomach. It got so bad it hurt

I think most people have some kind of trigger mine is being surrounded by people and in my head I am praying they back off me. I don’t have that one thought that CBT teaches you, I go from fine to panic in 0.000005 seconds.

For my son, I try and keep it together but it was tough. Thankfully though my partner is here today, so can do the outdoor things we need to do, cause I am not leaving this house, unless it is on fire and even then, it is going to be a close run thing.

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Going down the slide

I have woken up this morning, in the worst depression mood I have had in a while.

Its difficult, when you know you have things to do.

It feels like I am in a fog, and trying to get out of it, is hard.

I think one of the misconceptions that I always seem to face is trying to explain that depression is not about being sad. It so so much more and worse than that.

Its different for each person, but for me I have a voice. Since its always with me, and we have such a close relationship, which I don’t want but seem to have. I called it Frank. The voices fuck with me, I fuck with them.

Frank, is usually very quiet, but he is always there. Today he is a big, loud, roaring voice. He is as loud as a teenage girl at a 1 direction concert.

To try and do anything when you have this screaming voice is tough and it does bring me down. All I can hear, is what a failure I am as a mother, a partner and a human being, how much better the world would be without me.

A year ago, this would of bought me down with a crashing bump, however I know I am getting better, because I can still have a sarcastic attitude about it. I celebrate the small victories. This morning, I had a bath and got dressed. This might sound like such a simple thing, but when you just want to go crawl back into bed and never get up to actual get up and get dressed to me is a massive victory.

Frank is still there, but I survived yesterday and I will survive today.

Besides I have a child who is louder than a fog horn, and he will be home in a few hours and if nothing else, he will drown Frank out.

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When does it stop?

Before I start, my friend C once said I was most unusual because rather than bullshit, I asked her what she meant. So for example she might use a word I didn’t know in a middle of a debate ( we argue a lot, she has lots of words) the debate would stop, so she could explain it, and then we would continue.

Yes I could use google, but then I still might not understand the context. I have also found this useful when calling out bulllshitters.

Something recently has been coming up alot, since Trump got elected, we voted out of the EU, general racist stuff.  That is the use of the N word refrerring to a black person. I have seen the argument being used that why is it ok for other black people to refere to each other as such but its not ok for a white person.

Now as me as a white girl, it has never occured to me, yep, they use it in films and rap, but both of those are artistic.

So I was curious, do black people use it? Is there a race maybe called it? Why? I think my main question was why?

So I did a bit of research and I find that using the internet is trying to find a medical condition on doctor google, you could be a healthy 35 year old male with a headache and suddenly doctor google decides you are pregnant going through the menapause.

Its just not that simple, there are different ways of saying it, different spellings. I got a lot of shit for asking.

But why should I? I was asking why? if a child came up to you and asked why? Would you call them a racist c**t.

An adult never stops learning, only an idiot does. I found out, it might have something to do with white slave owners (who we should never forget exsisted) calling the slaves the N word, from the latin “niger” and it has been reclaimed by the black community. I could name other names that have been reclaimed, but none of them seem right to be named by me, a straight white person

 

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Good morning you beautiful bastard

Literally out of desperation last night, I stayed up from 9pm on Sunday till 7pm on Monday, it hit 7pm and boom I am wide awake, so another 2 hours later, I drag myself to bed. Another half an hour of being awake and I wake up at 3am. I vaguely remember waking up a few times through out that period, but we are talking seconds.

Five and a half hours of sleep, at night. I will take that, and I do feel better for it.

Its going to be a long haul of getting this sleep pattern right and while the crushing depression has lifted, I am not the happy sod I usually am. Its still there with the depression. But I do feel better,

Thank you to everyone for the well wishes on my last post. I am going to be coming in more frequently, I think part of my problem is that I am pushing myself too hard to do things. I know my mum probably wouldn’t agree with me😉 (my lounge is still a shit tip)

I think the most important thing, to do now is to keep a routine around sleeping. I wake up, I am up so I am off to have a coffee and start my day (at 4am)

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Boo

I must admit I am not in a great place, and I have missed blogging, but the fact is doing anything is hard and most of my energy is being spent looking after my son.

 

My anxiety is sky high, making doing anything difficult. Sleeping is not happening, well not at night anyway, I am napping where I can, but it does mean, that its all a bit shit, even my house project is on hold.

I will say the fact I am not sleeping, probably has a direct link to my depression getting worse. Not sleeping makes everything worse. I have so many great ideas I want to do and I just can’t do any of it,

It makes me sad that 5 years ago, I was a functioning human being with a great future and now, I am just wasting my life, and I am finding it impossible to get any help, from the medical community.

Its very much, you are not sick enough to be helped, but you are too sick to do anything. Its putting a lot of pressure on all my relationships and its a struggle.

I don’t know what the answer is, I wish I did. I wish I could take a magic pill and start all over again, well I say all over, I mean maybe the last 3 years. I wouldn’t change things like my son for the world and he is what is keeping me going.

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Popping in and saying hi

I have popped back to do some checking in.

Yes I am still cleaning, well sort of. I went through a bit of a depressive stage, which slowed (stopped actually) everything down.

Also I am not sure if I am the only person who does this, but puts off the little jobs, till I have time, then suddenly realise they have become massive jobs, this is the problem I think I am facing now.

But I have finally finished the whole of the upstairs, which is great, but now I have the two biggest rooms to go and both my partner and I decided that it is probably best to redecorate the whole of the downstairs as well.

Which is lovely but puts more time on what I am doing. Hopefully I should be back properly soon, but never say never. I will say the upstairs of my house looks amazing (even if I do say so myself)

Hope everyone is well

Posted in Mental Health, random | 20 Comments

Happy Blogversary

I got a notification from a friend telling me that this time two years ago I published my first post.

 

Its been a tough time, with some fun and giggles. A lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same.

While I am on my blog break, I am still cleaning my damn house, the painting is what is getting me. It takes so damn long.

I am starting to think I should never have started it, but you can see the results especially in the rooms my son plays in.

Its not just cleaning either, its plastering, fixing, drilling. Probably should of made my other half to take a month off to help. Although I think he is thanking his lucky stars I didn’t

In the meantime, my mental health update. My anxiety is horrible, thank god I am not going anywhere, I have had some low moods as well, which hasn’t helped the clean.

Hopefully by the end of this project, I will be able to look around and go, yep I did this.

While watching my son, the dog and two cats trash it again😉

 

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