In a few hours, I shall have a medical person here to assess me from ATOS and quite frankly I am dreading it. It took me nearly two months to explain to my doctor how I felt. So trying to explain how I feel to some random stranger so I can get some money to live, feels wrong.
I don’t know if I feel like this because there does seem to be a whole stigma attached to mental health, when I was chatting to F about it, I explained that I feel like a fraud because at the moment I feel so good, the not being able to go out in big groups is still there, but I am dong bigger and better things. Her words (F is a very wise lady) was “don’t feel bad about having a good day. Everyone has a good day, you need to base it on your worse days.” This is very true and I have thought about it. “Normal” people when having a bad day might wake up and think God I don’t want to get up, but force themselves have a shower. My bad day would be spent trying to give a damn about a small child, through no fault of his own, I just don’t care, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to leave the house, thinking about leaving the house is enough to make me vomit.
So it could be the stigma, although I personally do have another reason, I dislike talking about it, I just don’t. have mentioned my friends alot through this, but I don’t tend to mention my family. I have a great family, who are very supportive but just don’t (in my mind) understand and I feel a lot of the time they just don’t believe me, but then I feel a lot of people don’t believe me because I have learnt to put a face on it. Also I am paranoid, to me a disability is something you can see, I, along with millions of other people don’t have that. I am also one of THOSE people who when you ask how I am I say fine, ok, so, so I just don’t talk about it.
So I am dreading this meeting, because I have to be open and honest if we want to be able to live and pay bills, but it is my nature not to want to talk about it