A year

I have been dreading this month, for those sharp eyed amongst you, in my previous post I put up dates, and a year ago today I was pregnant.

If things had gone according to my plan, I would be sitting here with a five to six month old baby figuring out how to celebrate his/her first Christmas.

But it didn’t and normally I just get on with things, but it is going to be harder this month and I know it is. As expected my mood has dropped, I find it very hard to get out of bed this morning and if I could of used the phone I probably would of phoned my son’s nursery and informed them he wasn’t coming in.

So today, after I written this, I am going to clean my dining room and kitchen, take the dog for a walk, pick the small child up and get lots of cuddles, generally try and get through the day, but I know it is going to be tough,

I know I am going back to the dark place, I burst into tears at the slighest thing, then I am angry, its a bit like having a mood clock that swings from side to side. I go from sad to angry at the blink of an eye.

I suppose I was hoping that by writing it all down, like previous times it would help but it hasn’t today. I look at my words and I have the voices in my head going no on cares, you have babbled on about this for a year now. You are not the only woman to have had a miscarriage. Stop whinging. And I believe these voices, this makes me think I am in a worse place than I anticipate. If I get much worse, I am emailing my crisis team.

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