Why not me?

I know the reason why I am as mental as I am is because of my miscarriage. I have also said I was a bit mental but the miscarriage certainly triggered something inside me, which made me a lot worse.

However everytime I see a new born or I hear about someone else getting pregnant its like being stabbed in the heart and it brings back all the memories again. I have the problem that I live opposite a hospital, so I am regularly seeing pregnant woman or new born babies, so it does make it hard.

I think the problem is also compounded by the fact that I haven’t managed to get pregnant. Myself and my OH made the decision to stop trying while I am still fairly unstable, however that doesn’t stop the longing and the obsession of wanting a child.

I think the other thing is I never really wanted children, I was not a fan of them (and tbh I am still not a fan of other people’s children) so when my little boy came along it was a bit of a shock, but I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved feeling him kick, I didn’t have a hard labour, it felt wonderful having a little person to look after, I loved breast feeding, and its all that sort of thing I enjoyed and want to experience again.

I don’t like the whole competition of being a parent, which is probably only going to get worse. Whatever decision you make is wrong, you formula feed you are a bad mother, you co sleep you are a bad mother, you don’t co sleep you are a bad mother. You work you are a bad mother, you stay at home, you are a bad mother. The whole, my child was walking at 4 months, could recite the entire works of Shakespear at 15 months and plays Mozart’s 5th Sympohony by the time they were 2. I have managed to avoid this a lot mainly because my child is a genius 😉 Seriously though, I hate it, but it doesn’t stop me wanting that baby.

After I had my little boy, I wanted at least another 3, all boys preferably, because I am not sure I would know what to do with a girl, but I certainly wanted 4 altogether, with a maximum of 3 years seperating each of them. This would mean I would be 40 by the last time, of course life doesn’t always go to plan, what with my son being 3 in about three weeks time. And I debate whether I can go through the terrible 2’s another three times. I am surprised that my son is still alive at the end of the day.

I am also not certain what pregnancy would do to my mental health, I know that with my son, I was so much better but is that because I stopped drinking and faced my mental problems? Probably, but it doesn’t stop me wanting another baby.

I am tired of people saying it will be your turn next (it hasn’t been for a while) its because you are trying so hard you need to relax, (trust me we are not trying) when the time is right it will happen (the time was right a year ago)

So why not me?

This entry was posted in disbaility, Mental Health, pregnancy, son and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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