I am on benefits for those of you who dont know, and I struggle with this on a daily basis. I mention it because I am going to chat about it in a couple of posts.
You see the thing is I am on them, because I made the decision that I was crazy enough not to be part of the working force and the government agreed with me.
I am not sure if I have it right that if you want disability in the States you go before a judge, cause if I am this seems crazy to me, I had to explain to a doctor I had no rappor with and I found that bad enough.
The reason why I find it disconcerting is because for the past few months I have been fine within myself. With rapid cycling bi polar, I find I can go from being on the floor to up in the clouds in less than 12 seconds but recently its not that, that has given me trouble and I feel like a fraud when I am well.
I have always earnt a living so relying on someone else is difficult so when I am “well” I do think get out there go find a job. But then it happens a panic attack, a depressive cycle where I wont get out of bed and then I dont care .
I just wish that when I was fine I didn’t feel like a scrounger