I am on benefits for those of you who dont know, and I struggle with this on a daily basis. I mention it because I am going to chat about it in a couple of posts.

You see the thing is I am on them, because I made the decision that I was crazy enough not to be part of the working force and the government agreed with me.

I am not sure if I have it right that if you want disability in the States you go before a judge, cause if I am this seems crazy to me, I had to explain to a doctor I had no rappor with and I found that bad enough.

The reason why I find it disconcerting is because for the past few months I have been fine within myself. With rapid cycling bi polar, I find I can go from being on the floor to up in the clouds in less than 12 seconds but recently its not that, that has given me trouble and I feel like a fraud when I am well.

I have always earnt a living so relying on someone else is difficult so when I am “well” I do think get out there go find a job. But then it happens a panic attack, a depressive cycle where I wont get out of bed and then I dont care .

I just wish that when I was fine I didn’t feel like a scrounger

This entry was posted in Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Disconcerting

  1. It means that you have a conscience and it would not have been like this if not for your health challenges . Maybe, you should consider some sort of voluntary work.

    Liked by 1 person

    • If I did any work it would be considered that I am fit for work and then all benefits would stop, which I do understand but there has to be a way of being able to go back into the work force without it being all or nothing.

      And thank you for such a lovely compliment 🙂


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