A confession

I haven’t been coping, I mean I look like I have but I haven’t, ever since I lost the car  I thought after a day of moping, I would snap out of it and I did have a brief 3 hours, where I was fine.

But then I went and did what all addicts do and used this as an excuse to go drink red wine, so that is what I have done, I didn’t just fall off the wagon, I broke it.

Yes I could if I wanted to say, but this post is me looking forward and stopping and recovering, but I don’t want to quit, I am sick of being an adult. Not just an adult, but a useless one at that.

But its frustrating, because although I am finally sleeping, its not a proper sleep, its more a passed out sleep, I am grumpy, I mean really grumpy and there is only my little boy here (who is a trooper) and so when I am grumpy I don’t spend enough time with him.

My liver and kidneys probably can’t cope much more with this

But I still don’t want to but I am sick of this.

It costs a fucking fortune and I need that money to get my car back

And yet still I don’t want

99% of my brain is going just go and buy yourself another bottle one more won’t hurt

The 1% is going you fucking moron

When I am sober, I feel so much better, I am in this downward spiral because I am drinking and while depression is brain chemistry, drinking does make it worse.

I hate how fat I have become because of how much I had been drinking and I think I was starting to lose the weight

And yet I am still arguing it out with myself.

And I have now written it out and just gone what the fuck. So guess I will be quitting again.

This entry was posted in Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to A confession

  1. hmtaylor says:

    *hugs* hang in there!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you love from Miami. I hope you wake up tomorrow feeling better. Upsetting to hear you upset with yourself like this. :/ xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. everydaylifeandtruths says:

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone has there downfalls. You just have to make sure that you can get back up and carry on. xox

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Deb says:

    Here is to hoping today will be better. *Hugs from Kenya*

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tikeetha T says:

    One day at a time. Get back on the wagon and focus on yourself. I know what it feels like to have an unexpected expense. I pray that you know that this too shall pass.

    Liked by 1 person

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