I haven’t been coping, I mean I look like I have but I haven’t, ever since I lost the car I thought after a day of moping, I would snap out of it and I did have a brief 3 hours, where I was fine.
But then I went and did what all addicts do and used this as an excuse to go drink red wine, so that is what I have done, I didn’t just fall off the wagon, I broke it.
Yes I could if I wanted to say, but this post is me looking forward and stopping and recovering, but I don’t want to quit, I am sick of being an adult. Not just an adult, but a useless one at that.
But its frustrating, because although I am finally sleeping, its not a proper sleep, its more a passed out sleep, I am grumpy, I mean really grumpy and there is only my little boy here (who is a trooper) and so when I am grumpy I don’t spend enough time with him.
My liver and kidneys probably can’t cope much more with this
But I still don’t want to but I am sick of this.
It costs a fucking fortune and I need that money to get my car back
And yet still I don’t want
99% of my brain is going just go and buy yourself another bottle one more won’t hurt
The 1% is going you fucking moron
When I am sober, I feel so much better, I am in this downward spiral because I am drinking and while depression is brain chemistry, drinking does make it worse.
I hate how fat I have become because of how much I had been drinking and I think I was starting to lose the weight
And yet I am still arguing it out with myself.
And I have now written it out and just gone what the fuck. So guess I will be quitting again.