Since my last post I don’t think I did what I am feeling at the moment justice. CBT does wonders with people and I will fully support it, but it doesn’t work for me at the moment, maybe it will again at a later date but I am too far gone at the moment.
What does the anxiety feel like at the moment? Its a weight in my stomach that won’t go away and it hurts carry it round. Did you ever read the story of the seven goat kids? Basically they let a wolf in who ate them all but the youngest one. When mama goat comes home, she finds her house a mess and her youngest hiding in the clock, well she goes to look for the wolf, not sure why, but she finds him sleeping by a river. When she looked closely at him she saw the stomach wriggling, the wolf had been so greedy he had swollowed each kid whole and they were still alive (lets not go into stomach acid, its a story) so she cuts the wolf’s stomach open and each kid dives out and she filled the stomach full of 6 big stones and sows the wolf back up (yes the wolf slept through all of this.) The reason I tell you of this story is that is how it feels like I am carrying 6 big stones around in my stomach.
The very thought of leaving my house makes me want to vomit, if I manage it (and thank God I have my partner) it brings on a panic attack which makes my breathing fast, my heart want to come out my chest and the crying. The crying is bad, because of course people look at you more, when you are crying.
But the main thing is the pain, it shouldn’t hurt to leave your house. The thought that I am 33 years old, with maybe a good 40 or 50 years to go and I am relegated to staying in my house is a thought to be depressed about