Sometimes it hurts

Since my last post I don’t think I did what I am feeling at the moment justice. CBT does wonders with people and I will fully support it, but it doesn’t work for me at the moment, maybe it will again at a later date but I am too far gone at the moment.

What does the anxiety feel like at the moment? Its a weight in my stomach that won’t go away and it hurts carry it round. Did you ever read the story of the seven goat kids? Basically they let a wolf in who ate them all but the youngest one. When mama goat comes home, she finds her house a mess and her youngest hiding in the clock, well she goes to look for the wolf, not sure why, but she finds him sleeping by a river. When she looked closely at him she saw the stomach wriggling, the wolf had been so greedy he had swollowed each kid whole and they were still alive (lets not go into stomach acid, its a story) so she cuts the wolf’s stomach open and each kid dives out and she filled the stomach full of 6 big stones and sows the wolf back up (yes the wolf slept through all of this.) The reason I tell you of this story is that is how it feels like I am carrying 6 big stones around in my stomach.

The very thought of leaving my house makes me want to vomit, if I manage it (and thank God I have my partner) it brings on a panic attack which makes my breathing fast, my heart want to come out my chest and the crying. The crying is bad, because of course people look at you more, when you are crying.

But the main thing is the pain, it shouldn’t hurt to leave your house. The thought that I am 33 years old, with maybe a good 40 or 50 years to go and I am relegated to staying in my house is a thought to be depressed about

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15 Responses to Sometimes it hurts

  1. JoeBlogs says:

    Hi there. I definitely relate to this post, as I’m 29 and have had anxiety issues the majority of my life, if not all of it. Make the best of what you have; I think it’s all we can really do, alongside working to improve our quality of life.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m glad that your home has at least plenty excitement with your son, partner and pets. 🙂 ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Mel (Hippo256) says:

    Hugs from me too. I hope you’ll hurt less soon. It hurts me as well when I have to leave the house without my partner. Or when my partner leaves. I managed to get this far that I fully trust him, but I can’t be without him anymore (couldn’t really do anything anymore before I met him). He protects me so well and is the only one I can always rely on and knows what he does. But I have hope too that I’ll be able to do more by myself again. We’re working on it. Still many years to come probably, so plenty of time for improvement 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  4. BunKaryudo says:

    I’ve always been rather shy, but I don’t suffer from anything serious enough to call social anxiety so I read your previous post and this one to try to get a clearer understanding of the condition. I have a question that is probably a bit naive, though. Am I right that, unlike in agoraphobia, the thing that causes the anxiety is not the open space itself but the strangers wandering about within it?

    Liked by 2 people

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