I have woken up this morning, in the worst depression mood I have had in a while.
Its difficult, when you know you have things to do.
It feels like I am in a fog, and trying to get out of it, is hard.
I think one of the misconceptions that I always seem to face is trying to explain that depression is not about being sad. It so so much more and worse than that.
Its different for each person, but for me I have a voice. Since its always with me, and we have such a close relationship, which I don’t want but seem to have. I called it Frank. The voices fuck with me, I fuck with them.
Frank, is usually very quiet, but he is always there. Today he is a big, loud, roaring voice. He is as loud as a teenage girl at a 1 direction concert.
To try and do anything when you have this screaming voice is tough and it does bring me down. All I can hear, is what a failure I am as a mother, a partner and a human being, how much better the world would be without me.
A year ago, this would of bought me down with a crashing bump, however I know I am getting better, because I can still have a sarcastic attitude about it. I celebrate the small victories. This morning, I had a bath and got dressed. This might sound like such a simple thing, but when you just want to go crawl back into bed and never get up to actual get up and get dressed to me is a massive victory.
Frank is still there, but I survived yesterday and I will survive today.
Besides I have a child who is louder than a fog horn, and he will be home in a few hours and if nothing else, he will drown Frank out.