The post has arrived, I hate getting post, its never anything nice. Today the postman bought me a big brown envelope.
No idea what it was, so I opened it. The government want to do a check on me for my disability payments. Keep in mind, they have already done a check for a different benefit payment.
This has put me into a tailspin, I wasn’t doing great as it was, but this has just pulled me down and I feel like crying.
I know this might not seem like this is my normal upbeat sort of posts and its not. The simple fact is I am tired of fighting, fighting the NHS, fighting for benefit payments, fighting my own brain and right now, its tough and go which way I am going to go.
I am waking up in the mornings not wanting to get up, I struggle to get through the day, even with my son here, I just look at him and think you deserve so much better than this.
This is the sad fact that this government is doing to people who suffer from mental health and to be honest probably from physical problems as well.
A month ago, I was doing fine, getting through the day and poof the assessor seems to think that I would be able to find a job, despite the fact that I need either my partner or my son to be with me where ever I go. That started the downward spiral, someone didn’t believe that I struggle on a day to day basis. To have to try and explain the feeling of desperation, it winds you. Its like being sucker punched. Then you have to try and fight it, that takes so much out of you. I was lucky that C wrote my letter for me, but it might not be enough. Why would it not be enough? Because I am no longer under a doctor’s care. Why? Because the NHS doesn’t have the resources to help someone who is not standing in A&E with their wrists slit.
This is the government we are now living with, stealth killings off of the poor, the weak and the vulnerable.
I wish I could say I was exaggerating but I am living it, I know that I was getting better, I was doing things out of my comfort zone and yes I had bad days, but they were managable.
Since these bloody assessments, I have had 2 manic episodes, 4 depressive episodes and now sit clock watching dreading the times I have to go and pick my son up, nothing has changed in my life, apart from this and knowing my stress level is going up.
I don’t want to be on benefits, I want to be working but forcing me into a job before I am ready is not the solution. Even if I could get a job.