I am not going to lie, its been a tough couple of weeks.
I went into a massive spiral of depression. Nothing I did could knock me out of it, I spent the days my son was at school in bed, not doing anything, nothing was working and I could tell in my partner’s eye he was just debating whether he could carry me down to the doctors and make them shove some sort of pill in me.
I was knocked threefold, the anxiety has gotten so bad, it has knocked my confidence, meaning my depression got worse, meaning I couldn’t do any of my jobs so my OCD started playing up, meaning my anxiety got worse, meaning my depression got worse. I think you get the circle.
My brain decided to start working positively again on Saturday, still not brilliant, but enough to drag myself out of bed, so my partner didn’t have to take the day off work.
Then Sunday hit, and we were due to go out with my family for mothers day. The most tempting feeling in the world, was to call and say we were ill, but I rarely see all my family altogether, and while I am not sure if they believe me in one sense, I also am very aware the allowances they make for me and I am grateful for that.
This place was the smallest, busiest place I have been to in years, I was put facing the wall, so I didn’t have to see anything and could just concentrate on my son and my mum (who was sitting next to me) and one of my sister’s who was sitting opposite. It did quieten down after a while, or maybe I just got use to it.
Conversation flowed and was easy to follow, again using distraction. My son was fantastic, once he had gotten over how loud it was. Dinner took a while to get to us, but I did it, my family were there supporting me through it. I am probably never doing it again, but at least I know if I did it once, I can do it again.
This meant Monday was a wipe out, I find it so exhausting, I slept till gone midday and spent the rest of the day exhausted. Even today I am tired, I have slept alot, so I know its just my body going you need to rest.
However some good news I had to go to the job centre to talk to the work support, these people are meant to facilitate my return to work. While I dislike doing it, I can see why I am having to. I don’t think I am ready yet, I will be at some stage and will be using the facilities to the max. However I think its a waste of time doing it now, but this is what the government have said I have to do.
The lady I met with is lovely and has said that since we don’t know what is happening with my appeal then she won’t reschedule another app for 6 months. I think my jaw dropped. I had resigned myself to doing these meetings till I forced myself into a job.
Got home and was chatting to C about it and pointed out that now I felt like another support group had cut me loose. They can’t win sometimes.
For today, I have spent this morning napping, and now with the little bit of energy I have, I am going to do the cleaning, like making the bed back up. This has to be done as about 4.30 my son got into bed with us, round about 6am I woke up to a very wet leg and bed and him running to the toilet. Its been nearly 3 months since he wet his bed, and he can keep that record going since he did it in mine 😉
Have a great day