With the Easter holidays happening, I discovered that unlike a year ago my son needs more entertaining, he is no longer happy to sit and watch whatever shit is on TV.
So it has made it impossible to write, however I now have 7 weeks till the Summer holidays.
And what a fun time it has been, my son turned 5 *sobs*
And a snap General Election, which I am going to write about in more detail later.
However todays post is slightly more personal, my postman (yep him again) bought me my appeal letter for ESA. They have not changed their minds with regards to putting me in the support group, because and I quote
“I consider that you should, without risk to your health, be capable of attending a wide range of WRA offered. The most demanding would be getting up and dressed by a certain time each day and keeping a log to chart progress”
Fantastic, I should be able to attend stuff. I am assuming these things are happening in my house on days when I am not depressed?
Or Manic? Although when manic I would be able to attend but I may disrupt stuff.
The first thing I did was message C (best friend)
Why? because my first instinct. The very first thought in my head was to find a knife and get it over with.
Now I am not an expert on what is normal and what is not but I am fairly sure that should not of been my first thought.
It was just a thought, a fleeting one, but one that scares me, that that is still my go to.
C says I should appeal, my instinct is I am too tried to fight any further. She says rest we continue chatting and now I am just angry.
I want to work, I want to be able to get out there and do something. I am 35 years old, I still have probably another 30 years, I want to be able to own a house, go on holiday, do something which doesn’t involve a prison in the shape of my own house and mind.
I would like to be able to do something on my own. Go shopping, go to a park further distance from my house than across the road.
I want to be able to do all these things and the government seems to think I should be able to. But I can’t at the moment. Maybe its because I can see myself doing them in the future that means they won’t consider me, but I know my limitations and trying to force myself in a job just wont work, it will make me so much worse and then we start back at the beggining.
So for now, I am being angry. I am angry at the world, I am angry at me, I am angry at a healthcare professional I have never met who has deemed me fit to work.