I am starting to come to the conclusion that I am getting to the point, where working is going to be more important to my life than staying at home.
Don’t get me wrong, staying at home the last 3 years has been the right thing for me to do, especially with my anxiety. I don’t think anyone would of taken me on either.
Although my anxiety is still bad, I am thinking about the future and for me personally staying at home without my son one day a week is going to be fine, but coming up to do it 5 days a week, with little to do is probably going to flare up my depression, which is something I don’t want to do. So I am continuing to work on my anxiety. That is certainly the plan going forward.
With that in mind, yesterday I went and saw a few people who work with animals on film sets. It was an amazing day, I am fortunate enough to have a family member in the industry who set it up for me, the lady I was mainly with trains dogs and cats, she had 3 of her dogs with her, so I got to a training session with each of them.
Meet an owl and check out some of the other animals as well. It certainly has given me food for thought on what I want to do. I would never be able to do their particular situation. They seem to own a massive property and a lot of cats and dogs. However I can look into animal care and animal training and I think its something I would enjoy. The other thing with working in the TV industry is, its long hours, talking like 16 hours day for months depending on what they are working on.
While I could do that and it can certainly be arranged, I am not sure that I want to give that time up with my son, selfish maybe, but as I said I can certainly look into working with animals and go from there.
The other thing is, I am damn proud I did it. I had a wobble at the start, when I got there and a few times during the day, but I stuck it out and it just goes to prove to myself that I can do it. However today is the come down, and I have slept for nearly 16 hours, I still feel exhausted and I am on edge, especially when I am thinking about picking my son up.
This is what I am finding is the main problem with my anxiety, I barely slept for days previous to this and I am now going to spend however many days trying to get back to normal.
I have done various things like push myself to keep going out of my comfort zone the day after, all that did was bring on my depression, followed by a manic attack. So I know that doesn’t work, but when I give myself time to relax afterwards, I tend to go further afield the next time.