I know when I am suffering a slump in my mental health because I tend to talk about it alot more.
I find that when I am stable, its more difficult to say what is going on in my head.
It is an ongoing battle, but Frank (my depressive voice, yes I gave it a name) can be so quiet I might not even know he is there, however on other days, he is so loud, it hurts.
I woke up this morning, knowing I would have a lot to do, I looked around my house and just couldn’t find the motiviation. All I really wanted to do was go back to bed, curl up under a blanket and not do anything, that is when Frank started, and boy is he loud today.
I get told how he is never going to go away, that the reason the house is so bad is because I am shit. I could go on.
The problem is I am stronger now than I was 3 years ago. I can fight him, its exhausting and like last night, I will probably go to bed and lay awake for a while still fighting. Only yesterday it was a battle against my OCD and anxiety.
As I said what I wanted to do was to go back to bed. However, I have a small child who wanted to get to school. I do often debate turning up in PJs but my anxiety won’t allow that. So I got dressed, then when I got back I took the dog out.
Once all that was done, I spent half an hour arguing with myself. Frank telling me to go to bed, my OCD telling me to clean the house. It is often a bitter argument, however my OCD won.
I figured I had gotten dressed, I had taken the dog out. Lets try making the beds, then maybe have a rest. By 11.30 I had the whole house done, taking small jobs doing those and just taking tiny steps. I am proud of myself, it might seem a small step but it is one more step in getting better.
Still exhuasted though