Been putting this one off

For new people to this blog (and to remind everyone else) one of the main reasons for me going completely nuts was having a miscarriage 3 years ago, this was after trying for a baby for a while.

Since then we have been trying to have another baby, back in September we (I) reached the decision that if I wasn’t pregnant by the end of the year then we would stop actively trying, this decision was not an easy one to reach, however it was one that we had to come to and is heartbreaking.

Its not easy for a number of reasons, I really want to be pregnant again. Ok its one reason, if I was to push it, my son really wants a baby sister, however I have seen what he does to a doll.

I am now 35, I know women who have babies up to their 40s however I very much doubt they have abused their bodies the way I have.

When I had my miscarriage, it became a mission to have a baby, its all I thought about, it consumed me and nearly destroyed my relationship with my partner, I couldn’t cope with anyone else having a child, pregnancy news would send me into a spiralling depression.

I do have my son, which is something I am very grateful for, that doesn’t stop the longing, I have saved all his baby clothes and a lot of toys, but we have to be practical and concentrate on what we have.

Maybe just maybe I might get pregnant again and knowing my luck its going to happen the minute I get rid of all the clothes but there are a hell of a lot of practical reasons as to why we shouldn’t have another baby, my mental health, money. I had to put a limit on it though because its been 3 years now. Its been heart breaking every month when my period turns up and my body does have a thing of being late every once in a while, giving me false hope.

There is a massive difference between trying and not trying and trying makes you exhausted and not for the reason you might be thinking and if you are thinking that, you have a dirty mind 😉

We just can’t do it anymore, if for nothing else  it makes sex less enjoyable and more like a chore, it has damaged our relationship and taken a lot of effort on both our parts to get back on track. It doesn’t matter how much you love each other, trying for a baby and it not happening takes its toll.

The next stage is clearing out the loft of all the baby clothes and toys, I am not ready to do this yet and not sure when I will be, but its going to have to be done probably when we are both here and monkey isn’t.

Its a very grown up decision and one I don’t think anyone is fully prepared for.