I am a fucking bouncy ball

I don’t know how much longer I can do this for, I keep going up and down, one moment I am fine, the next moment the anxiety is all consuming and brings me right down.

I am getting so sick of this, I think I had higher expectations of the medication than was reasonable, I just want to get well,

I am so tired all the time and then it gets dark and I am like Dracula, wide awake and bouncing around. Ok I don’t know where Dracula actually bounces around.

I try and put some humour into it, but its a struggle, I am in aย permanent state of anxiety about PIP, it has taken so long and I just don’t know how it is going to go. If I don’t get it, I honestly don’t know what we are going to do. Its more the waiting than anything.

I have stopped talking properly to my friends and family about my mental health or anything to be honest, so I bore you guys with it instead and I know in part that is my depression talking but I am can feel myself shutting down and I am not sure what to do, well start talking to them I suppose is the answer, but it is so tough because I still feel like I need to put on a happy face,

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49 Responses to I am a fucking bouncy ball

  1. Cyranny says:

    Awww so sorry to read this, Trina… I wish I could give you some wise advice, but I don’t have the answers to your questions. I am here, though… And you can always contact me in private if you wish to vent to someone… *warm hug”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Im sorry they haven’t worked. And I’m sure the season isn’t helping much. Hang in there and keep writing it out. I bet you’ll find plenty of support and empathy here. ๐Ÿ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Donnalee says:

    I am honestly glad you can at least ‘talk’ online–staying silent about your stress and mental health can wreck your life and make you feel much worse. I avoid medication since I have found it to be all promises and no help in the folks I have known. There is a site called point of return that sells nutrition and has a lot of free links etc. about nutrition and mental illness and also nutrition and coming off medication. I don’t know if it might be of some help, but it has been helpful to a friend who came off meds and also another who simply came off sugar, and good nutrition can’t hurt, no matter what your situation. Maybe the articles can show you how to have nutritional support without having to buy anything. Best wishes, and I am glad to see at least one friend of yours offering to listen here above–

    Liked by 1 person

  4. xaspierudegirlx says:

    You don’t need to feel bad, you are not boring us at all. I enjoy reading other people’s posts relating to mental health because sometimes I see a relation in them and it can help me in return to not feel so alone. I don’t have the answers for you, I wish I did but I have a hard time managing things like my anxiety and moods as well. I have little tips that sometimes help myself, knowing my patterns of anxiety, if an anxiety attack or a mental break down is coming on helps me be able to try and stop it in it’s tracks. I fail miserably sometimes and my moods takes on a life of their own without my permission.

    I try to find mental breaks in the day as much as possible to try to make it through the day. Even if it is a 2 minute break in the bathroom. Music really helps me, it is probably my number one go to. If I can I try to vocalize how I am feeling to my husband which helps. If people know how you are feeling than they can respect and understand more maybe. If I am in a extreme mood, anxious etc I just try to avoid my triggers that week or day. It goes in cycles and it really just depends on the day or week. I have found if I keep a routine, I get enough sleep, eat properly, remain motivated, and I do my little things liek down time for myself and find a balance than I can deal with my anxiety, my depressing episodes and so on a lot easier. If not, it all goes out the window and I am a wreck until I find balance again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have OCD which is very routine based, if I could get away with it, I wouldn’t go out, which might stop it, but I have a dog and a child, so certain things have to happen, hopefully the next day off my partner gets I can just stay at home and he will do all the outdoor stuff

      Liked by 1 person

      • xaspierudegirlx says:

        I am also very OCD, and like you if I could get away with it I would never go out either. I think we relate in a few ways and I see that reading some of your posts. It’s nice to not feel so alone in your feelings and thoughts. All I have to figure out is how to work from home successfully (now I have a better head on my shoulders, understand myself more etc) I have been looking into more career choices I could do that I love so it wouldn’t cause so much anxiety. Like writing jobs I could do from home basically (Freelance writing for example) Though it is not in the cards right now as the hubby and I just need short term goals right now to make money asap and as much as we can. In the long run I want to probably choose writing as my career choice. I even want to take some classes in writing when I can afford it and so on. Great ideas, and hopefully will be able to implement them in the near future. So other than work (which I just got legal in the USA after come here with my husband, I literally just got my social security number yesterday) so I need to find a job, one I will have to leave the house for. Other than work or school in the past I have always been a home body pretty much. I have so many struggles and I wish I could do everything my way, but then life happens and things like responsibility. Haha. The older I get and the more I understand myself though I do find more and more ways how to manage myself. Still working on it and sometimes it is out of my control, but I have come along way I feel. Starting this blog definitely helped with my mental health even if it is in a small way. Writing really helps, I always wrote be it in a journal, notebook or diary etc getting my writing out there and having people like it or tell me their kind words or support has helped my mood this past year.

        I hope the next day your partner is home you can stay home too and get some much needed relax time.

        My hubby and I are kind of lucky, we don’t have any pets or children yet. So when he is home he does a lot of the harder work, or outside work and he understands I need more ‘me’ time or down time than most people. We both deal with things like anxiety though, and we both hate crowds etc or going out to packed public places. So it helps to understand one another. But I find no matter how much I try, life still can be a pain in the butt sometimes. I plan on having children, but apart of me knows how challenging it will be at times for a person like myself who has a hard time managing my own stuff and taking on the responsibility of a little human being will be interesting at times. But I LOVE kids, I adore them. One thing is children themselves never gave me anxiety like adults do, maybe because I know they don’t judge me the way other people do, they are not going to care about how I communicate or lack of as long as I play games with them, feed them or whatever. That is not what scares me, just having children brings on busyness and other responsibilities. But I know it is very rewarding and I think I will be a good mother one day.

        All the best and I hope life calms down for you a bit in the next little while.

        Liked by 1 person

      • We actually got the dog to make sure, I was going out, he was a calculated risk to be honest and in the main it has worked. My son is 5 (6 this year) and its only been recently that it has been tough with going out with him, normally I use him as a distraction, but as he gets older, he wants to do more things such as going round to his friends, which involves me talking to other parents to try and arrange things, birthday parties and probably something which is going to be my greatest challenge is going to be his birthday party, he has a plan for what he wants to do and it is my version of hell, I managed to do a small thing last year, but I am not going to get away with that again. I always say to myself, he has not had, what I would consider a normal childhood, while he doesn’t understand alot, he does understand mummy is different. So I balance that up against doing things I know make him very happy such as this damn party

        Liked by 1 person

      • xaspierudegirlx says:

        I am glad the dog helped you get out more then, animals are great to have. Very soon here the hubby and I would like to get a kitten, although I grew up being more of a dog person, cats are less maintence and if we ever want to go anywhere we figure it is easier to have someone come over to just fill the cat dishes etc, than having to stay with a dog full time or more often. My husband loves cats, and so do I (Just growing up we always had dogs, and only cats when I was much younger) so we agreed on a indoor cat. Most cats have to be indoors here anyways, not just fear of what could happen, but the bi laws now say dogs have to be tied up or on a leash, same goes for cats indoors or put them on a leash. It is not fair for one to run loose and not the other, one bi law I actually agreed with.

        Yes children get more hard as they get older and I know what you mean. especially when we are dealing with other things like OCD, anxiety, mental health etc. It’s good he understands you are different and as he gets older I am sure he will understand more. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself about it. I am glad you have found some ways to balance it out. It will mean a lot to your son when he gets older. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • I love kittens, if I could I would just have kittens, but they grow and then bring in mice dead and alive. I have 2 cats as well. TBH one is more like a dog than a cat, he comes on walks with us and chases the ball. You could look at getting a Savannah cat (not sure if they are legal in the US) they are very similar to dogs, but they take a lot of looking after, if we didnt have the other animals and our son, that would be what we would get

        Liked by 1 person

      • xaspierudegirlx says:

        True, they do bring in rodents etc, but that is why we will have to have an indoor cat. It is unfair to cats to make them indoors as their instincts are to hunt etc, but it is a bi law now. Something else some people don’t know about cats is their feces can be poisonous to fetus, so say they poop in a pregnant woman’s yard or garden and than that woman goes to garden or comes in any kind of contact with it, it can expose the fetus to dangers. Also I have seen dogs be fine listen to their owners stay in the yard until a cat comes by and the dog chases it around leaves the property and vice versa of course, which is though cats should be able to roam free, it does seem kinda unfair that dogs culdn’t for so long but cats could here for the longest time. I am thinking instead of an indoor cat though to get like a fenced area where the cat could go outside and play. That way we don’t have to worry about anything happening etc and the cat would be safe. But yes kittens are so cute, then they grow up. lol I still love cats though and as gross as mice and stuff are, I guess it is apart of their nature.

        I will look into getting a Savannah cat. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • One of our cats is an outdoor cat, the other is more or less an indoor cat now, he barely leaves the house unless he has to, we have managed to train them to poo in our garden, but it was bloody hard, I think its something do with the fact they don’t like doing it on their terrority.

        Liked by 1 person

      • xaspierudegirlx says:

        Oh nice! Yeah you are probably right, I know what you mean as when I was living on a remote island (like no one was around tbh. Not city life at all or even close) and my parents got a couple dogs, they didn’t poop on our property instead we had a bunch of bush and grass section across the road (it was not a highway we lived on like a side road off of the highway and there three or four houses on the side road if that makes sense lol) so very quiet and we rarely had to tie our dogs up. Was nice.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think my dog would like something like that, he gets upset when he is on the lead, he just wants to run

        Liked by 1 person

      • xaspierudegirlx says:

        Yeah dogs have a lot of energy, well a lot of them do. (In exception of some breeds)

        My parents had a mutt, he was terrier, retriever and who knows what other mix. But a great combination for a high energy and fetching addiction dog. He lived pretty healthy most of his life, his hips started bothering him a bit more and we think he got arthritus near the end. But when my parents moved to an apartment he became more cooped up and no where to get his energy out, it seemed his health deteriorated faster. He lived to be like 14 or 15 though and a long life so can’t complain. His cancer also was coming back, so when his compulsive seizures he adruptly got one day and rushed to the vet, when the vet asked my dad what to do, he knew it was his time. But I still think the cooping up in that apartment didnt help. Like sure he was old, arthritis his cancer that he survived once when he was young may have been coming back, he may have got a few more months if it wasn;t for cooping the poor guy up and taking his favorite thing in the world fetching away or at least limited. He was a great dog though. I miss all my family pets, especially the three dogs growing up. It makes me wonder if I want to get another pet because I am still young and will likely outlive another family pet. The pain when they go is so hard. But then again their life brings so much joy and the memories you can hold onto.

        Liked by 1 person

      • It is hard, but I think pets are well worth it, Max (the dog) drives me mental, but I wouldn’t be without him

        Liked by 1 person

      • xaspierudegirlx says:

        Yes they are worth it. ๐Ÿ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • xaspierudegirlx says:

        Oh and that’s so cute your one of your cats acts more like a dog. Lol xD

        Liked by 1 person

      • Its bloody mad, go for a walk, with the dog and a 3 legged cat, we get lots of looks

        Like

      • xaspierudegirlx says:

        Aw, yeah people can be quite rude that way. lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • I have gotten use to it, although I have to tell people to stop filming me when I am with my son

        Like

      • xaspierudegirlx says:

        Filming without one’s permission is really disrespectful imo. I would freak if someone was filming me for any reason. lol Sorry to hear that happens sometimes and you have to tell them to stop.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Its frustrating, but in this day and age, the first thing people think is, I need to put that on social media

        Like

  5. Try taking it at different time or day? I hope you feel better.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. mydangblog says:

    Definitely not boring! What’s PIP? I feel like I might have missed something…

    Liked by 1 person

    • PIP is personal independence payment, its basically a disability benefit, I always forget to add it in. In the UK we can get assessed for 2 disability payments, both of which are nearly impossible to get. For example they still assess people who are proven to be bed bound

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sending you an enormous cyber hug …. I so completely understand. Iโ€™m battling every day too and the battle is worth having. Keep going and keep writing! X

    Liked by 1 person

  8. manic – sounds like bi polar not anxiety. I have been reducing anxiety by addressing problems not putting them off. Not always satisfactory resolution but I tried my best, rest beyond my control.

    Liked by 1 person

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