I haven’t really been talking about the suicidal thoughts in my head. If I am honest, they are always there and its a battle day to day.
However recently I have noticed they are more formed, instead of the old you are rubbish stuff they normally come out with it, its more plans, such as you could drive your car fast at 3am on the motorway and smash it into the barrier.
They are certainly worse when I am exhausted. I do wonder whether this has anything to do with the medication I am on, its something I need to talk to my doctor about, cause the scare me. I carry a photo of my son with me at all times and if it gets too much then I look at it. He is what keeps me going (I know I moan about him, but he is a great little lad)
However I am not sucidial, I know its sometimes difficult for people to understand you can have suicidal thoughts and not be suicidal, I don’t really understand it. I just know that I can have these thoughts and at one time they have driven me to the very brink, but now I am stronger and can tell Frank (yes I named the damn thoughts) to fuck off. However he has upped his game I think, its difficult because the voice is my own and it is very loud at the moment and I know that has a lot to do with the amount of stress I am under, which has made my anxiety worse, which in turn has made my depression a lot worse.
Who knows where this turn of advents is going to take me. I wish I could say it will be fun finding out, but my guess its going to be a damn struggle.