The thoughts

I haven’t really been talking about the suicidal thoughts in my head. If I am honest, they are always there and its a battle day to day.

However recently I have noticed they are more formed, instead of the old you are rubbish stuff they normally come out with it, its more plans, such as you could drive your car fast at 3am on the motorway and smash it into the barrier.

They are certainly worse when I am exhausted. I do wonder whether this has anything to do with the medication I am on, its something I need to talk to my doctor about, cause the scare me. I carry a photo of my son with me at all times and if it gets too much then I look at it. He is what keeps me going (I know I moan about him, but he is a great little lad)

However I am not sucidial, I know its sometimes difficult for people to understand you can have suicidal thoughts and not be suicidal, I don’t really understand it. I just know that I can have these thoughts and at one time they have driven me to the very brink, but now I am stronger and can tell Frank (yes I named the damn thoughts) to fuck off. However he has upped his game I think, its difficult because the voice is my own and it is very loud at the moment and I know that has a lot to do with the amount of stress I am under, which has made my anxiety worse, which in turn has made my depression a lot worse.

Who knows where this turn of advents is going to take me. I wish I could say it will be fun finding out, but my guess its going to be a damn struggle.


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19 Responses to The thoughts

  1. Curiosity says:

    I don’t know you and I can never understand what you are going through but I know one thing for sure. Your posts are awesome(most of them. he he). They make me happy and I am sure there are so many others who feel the same way. What I am trying to say is… this dude Frank… he’s wrong. Also, there is a good chance he is my real-life boss.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Cyranny says:

    hmmm… I’d like to discuss this sometime, just not here. Contact me if you’d like to talk about it too… xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Suze says:

    I know exactly what you are speaking of. Please speak with your doctor (SOON!!!) about your medications. I was on one that had my thoughts churning with suicidal ideation…I thought almost constantly about how to do it so that the least amount of people would be hurt. I at the end almost drove my car off of a bridge. Only the thought of my son at the last minute stopped me. I talked to my doc and she changed my meds immediately and the thought disappeared. It only took three days for them to disappear completely and then I was left wondering how could I have been so messed up as to think suicide was a viable option. I am telling you straight out..suicide is NOT a viable option! get those medications straightened out. Kick Frank in the ass!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    I totally get you here. I often have suicidal thoughts but not plans too. No one understands the difference. I want to let you know I am here and I would miss you and your posts if you ever did anything to harm yourself. You’d be missed by so many ❀ xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

  5. MegClift says:

    I hope you get this “sorted out” as much as you can. Frank is wrong. He is very, very wrong. Sending thoughts and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Pingback: Suicidal thoughts | Its good to be crazy Sometimes

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