A serious one

I have touched on this before, but it is effecting us now more than ever and I know a lot of people are effected by it, but its one of those things you just don’t talk about.

Its money, when you are struggling, the thoughts are there, that maybe if you get another job or its your fault in some way, or if you talk about it then you are asking for handouts or for people to give you money, so people stay silent and struggle on as best they can.

However this is happening to myself and my family at the moment. I am doing the best I can to get better, but its not my fault I have mental health issues, I didn’t ask for them, I certainly don’t want them. I suppose my partner could get another job, but you know what. Everytime, he works more hours, or gets a payrise, our benefits go down and its not like he earns an extra hundred so our benefits go down by an extra hundred. He earns an extra hundred and we lose two hundred. Its the simple version but basically that is what is happening.

I am not asking for handouts, I am after an ear to bend, people who understand. Maybe try and get someone who thinks this is in someway mine or my partner’s fault (or someone in our position) that its not, its a shitty system, wages are not rising in line with inflation. What a weekly shopping use to cost me £40, now costs me £60 and my partner is not getting a £20 week payrise and never has.

I am trying to do the best for our family, and for those who don’t know, we had our son when we could afford him, yes it was going to be tight, but managable, neither of us was expecting me to have a mental break down and my partner having to quit to look after our son because I wouldn’t get out of bed.

Our main priority is to make sure our son is fed and he has heat and a roof over his head. This at times, has meant that one or the other of us hasn’t eaten, my next priority is to make sure my partner eats, he could work a 12 hour shift and he needs to get energy. Heating and electric are up there as well, our electric gets cut off, ok we won’t have a tv or the internet, or lights, these are actually things we could live without. The fridge and the oven however are important. Heating in this weather is also a must, my house is cold as it is, without heating it feels like it is warmer outside.

These all cost money, which is something we have limited of. Rent is our biggest expense and something we are struggling with, we fail to pay our rent, then the landlady can evict us and the council will find us intentially homeless, so will not house us in an emergency, social services will have to find somewhere for my son, probably in a foster house. That is not something I want to think about. This is obviously the worse case but the fact it could happen.

I am not writing this to get sympathy (feel free to though) but to state the simple fact that we, along with millions of other families are struggling, to the point that we could lose our house and we have bills mounting up that we are just unable to pay. Am I ashamed, of course I am, I am sick with worry, as much as I joke around, we get money in, it goes straight out to pay as many bills as possible, but there is not enough to go around.

We will figure a way, I am sure we will because unlike some we have options available to us, as soon as I get better, I can work, in the meantime, I am searching for something I might be able to do, but when you never know what mood you are going to wake up in the morning its a tad tough.