I want to start this off, by saying these are just thoughts, I have no intention of actually doing any of them and to add I also have an app with my doctor on Thursday to talk about these.
I mentioned a while ago about the thoughts that I had going through my brain, they actually quietened down recently and I was managing to go along with life, they have come back, as loud and as formed as they were before.
I am also worried, that some of them involve my son now. Only one or two but certainly enough for me to go what the fuck, its difficult to explain, its not so much the thought of hurting him, but more it would be better if he didnt know how shit this world is.
I can cope with suicidal thoughts about myself, I have dealt with those for years, my son however, is a different matter. The first time that thought popped into my head, I debated taking myself straight down to a&e and getting sectioned no matter how difficult that might be.
I want to make it clear I love my son, I would never do anything to harm him, I am not sure where these thoughts are coming from and it is scaring the fuck out of me. Because since that thought popped up, my sucidial thoughts have gotten a lot worse, maybe its Frank’s way of finding a new tact to make me finally do it. Who knows, I have taken to writing them down as soon as I have them, I want to make it clear to the doctor that I have no intention of doing anything, but I am scared of what is going on in my own head, its terrifying having these thoughts in your head and not knowing where they are coming from.
I am lucky, I know I have people to talk to, writing here helps a hell of a lot. I find people are worried when they talk about these type of thoughts, the worry that their children will be taken away, as they might be in danger and to be honest, writing this is scary. But I would rather die than hurt monkey. I just hope my doctor can do something, I am getting tired of fighting my own brain.
P.S told you some heavy posts were coming