Suicidal thoughts

I want to start this off, by saying these are just thoughts, I have no intention of actually doing any of them and to add I also have an app with my doctor on Thursday to talk about these.

I mentioned a while ago about the thoughts that I had going through my brain, they actually quietened down recently and I was managing to go along with life, they have come back, as loud and as formed as they were before.

I am also worried, that some of them involve my son now. Only one or two but certainly enough for me to go what the fuck, its difficult to explain, its not so much the thought of hurting him, but more it would be better if he didnt know how shit this world is.

I can cope with suicidal thoughts about myself, I have dealt with those for years, my son however, is a different matter. The first time that thought popped into my head, I debated taking myself straight down to a&e and getting sectioned no matter how difficult that might be.

I want to make it clear I love my son, I would never do anything to harm him, I am not sure where these thoughts are coming from and it is scaring the fuck out of me. Because since that thought popped up, my sucidial thoughts have gotten a lot worse, maybe its Frank’s way of finding a new tact to make me finally do it. Who knows, I have taken to writing them down as soon as I have them, I want to make it clear to the doctor that I have no intention of doing anything, but I am scared of what is going on in my own head, its terrifying having these thoughts in your head and not knowing where they are coming from.

I am lucky, I know I have people to talk to, writing here helps a hell of a lot. I find people are worried when they talk about these type of thoughts, the worry that their children will be taken away, as they might be in danger and to be honest, writing this is scary. But I would rather die than hurt monkey. I just hope my doctor can do something, I am getting tired of fighting my own brain.

 

P.S told you some heavy posts were coming

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53 Responses to Suicidal thoughts

  1. ashleyleia says:

    That’s so good that you’re not keeping it locked up inside – it’s an important way to make sure thoughts don’t start to morph into actions.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Cyranny says:

    It is good that you are open and honest about these frightening thoughts… I hope you will be just as clear with your doctor, so he can help you in the best way! *Much love* Gorgeous… xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Suze says:

    first, everyone…let me repeat that…EVERYONE has suicidal thoughts every now and then. That is normal when depressed or dealing with extreme anxiety. They are a sign that something is emotionally difficult to manage…they don’t necessarily mean you are about to kill yourself or become homicidal. the thoughts about your son , while terrifying for you, are of more concern. Something significant has occurred for you to be having those kids of thoughts. it is a very good thing you are seeing your doctor soon, and the written thoughts will show him or her the pattern that has developed with you. You may be able to pinpoint the catalyst with the docs help and work out a plan to solve the frustrations, pain and fear that causes them. You are doing the right thing in speaking out about them and in writing about them. Carry through with the appointment, and stay in touch with your support system…no matter whether that is here online or more personal. You need them right now. I am here if you want to talk further. I won’t judge.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks Suze, I would take a massive guess that the main catalyst is lots of stress. I am fairly certain where I can pinpoint it, I am very lucky that my doctors surgery is very very good, and I have some sort of relationship with most the doctors there

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Revenge of Eve says:

    You are brave in sharing this. Sometimes I feel that if I ignore that voice it will go away, but it doesn’t, it gets louder. I am afraid I am dealing with similar thoughts, not involving my daughter, but suicidal. I hope yours are lessened soon and that your doctor is able to help. I’m sorry you are dealing with this at the moment.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m glad you’re open about this, and im certain there are many here who are much more qualified to give you advice. It’s great to talk with someone when these thoughts are present. I wish every person who had these thoughts would talk to someone about it. I have a difficult time discussing it, for personal reasons, so I’ll bow out with this: Please don’t keep this to yourself. Talk here, talk to your significant other, your doctor, your cats. ANYBODY! Please. I promise, there’ll be people devastated if they lost you. Please?

    Liked by 2 people

  6. joyroses13 says:

    I am so sorry that you are having these feelings. It has to be scary. How brave of you to be honest about them online. I am glad that you find writing helpful.
    Please know that I care and am always willing to listen if you want to talk more!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It’s such a good idea to write all your feelings down. It must help your doctor understand how your feeling. I hope he can help you figure this out.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. They are just thoughts, remember that. Hope they quiet down soon. I’d keep a private journal of them to share with a therapist/psych. I’m sorry things are so rough lately.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Aw lovely I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way! πŸ’” You’ve done the right thing by seeking help. There’s always someone to talk to, even jumping on here and having a vent will help. Sending you love and positive energy! 🧑

    Liked by 1 person

  10. beavoicefororphans says:

    Praying for you; to experience the tide change of suicidal thoughts to waves of peace…
    https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I had these thoughts. Regarding myself and then my child also. I got diagnosed with ocd and had therapy which helped with the intrusive thoughts regarding my child any others never seemed so bad after that So I overcame them. I hope you are on the way to recovery.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hello friend. I understand how you feel. Many people suffer from frightening thoughts. I understand that these situations can bring some level of anxiety and frustrations. If I may ask, do you believe in God. God is our creator and he has the ability to cleanse us from the inside out. If you can keep an open mind, here is something that you should try: find a quiet space free from distractions, imagine that Jesus is in front of you, talk to him the way you will with a close friend, tell him how you feel. Beware of sudden distractions when you pray, this is a trick the devil uses to stop us from having focused prayers. You might also get the feeling that God is not there or that you are simply wasting your time, this is another trick that the devil uses to discourage us from prayers. Be focused and tell the lord how you feel. Jesus is there with you and he cares for you, so invite him into your life and ask him to pour out his blessings. When you get the answers to your prayers, do not forget to thank God. Also try to maintain a relationship with him, keep telling him how you feel, keep thanking him and finding out about him. This way he can remain in your life and continue to work his miracles.

    Whenever you get these thoughts, here is a bible verse that you can read to relieve you:

    “4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10: verse 4-5).

    The thoughts might not all go away suddenly, but this will help you a lot. If you do this for some time, the thoughts will go away.

    Remember that God loves you. Good luck and God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

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