It just suddenly hit me

I am not doing well, due to the lockdown, it gave me the perfect excuse not to go out. Lockdown has been lifted slightly but I still don’t have to go out, in fact its easier now my partner is back at work, because on his way back he can pick up anything I need.

I haven’t left the house in nearly 3 days for whatever reason and because of this I am piling on the weight (not just the last 3 days but for the last 3 months)

I don’t have to take Monkey to school so I am not getting that bit of exercise and because everyone has the same fucking idea of going to the park, we are not really doing that anymore,

More importantly, while I am perfectly comfortable, I made the decision to take Monkey out and get some energy out him and had a panic attack leaving the front door.

That has not happened in months, maybe years. When doing the school run, I was never comfortable but the panic was controlled, I feel like I am back to step one and this is not good for Monkey. He needs to be out and about, when this was originally happening he was younger, so didn’t have much of a voice, now he is very vocal going out and there is only so many times my partner is going to come home from work and straight away take him out.

So today I need to start, even just getting downstairs would be a result, but with Monkey at home its not going to be as easy as a little step at the time, its not like I can say to him, right get dressed today we are walking to the end of the road and back. I suppose I can wait for my partner to get back and do it then, but I would like the opportunity to give him a break.

So fuck knows, but I do know I am more than capable of doing this, I did it once and I will do it again.