I don’t talk about it much, because while it still hurts the pain is easing for me, I am talking about not being able to have another baby. In medical terms its called secondary infertility and its not talked about as much, there are a few reasons for this, but I think the main one is when you try and express your hurt, you get told you should be grateful that you have one. I have the ability to be able to feel different things at the same time. I can be grateful for Monkey, while still feeling sad I haven’t been able to have another and now my time is running out, so probably won’t have another one. The choice has been taken out of my hands.
This was recently bought up again, when I was on a parenting forum and a woman did a post about how jealous she was, when she saw women with 2 or more children.
I am not joking, when I say the replies were shocking. The obvious ones are the same and I just covered above.
- You have one my friend can’t have any
- Siblings, often fight, I have 3 and I wish I only had 1
Would you tell someone with only one leg to be grateful because at least they have another one? As for the second comment, the choice was there to have 3, women who can’t have another child for whatever reason, don’t get that choice, its completely taken out of their hands.
Then we get to the advice
- You just need to relax and it will happen
- You still have time it will happen one day
- Have you consider adoption
- I tried xyz (normally acupuncture) and it worked for me
- You need to be less stressed
- How about getting a pet.
I get some people don’t know what to say and trust me I have had enough of when are you doing to have another comments as well,
By the time women get to the point of finding out they have secondary infertility, they will have relaxed, read the books, mointored their cycle. done the homopathy shit. Its especially shit to say, when a woman has said they are going through IVF, they know their stuff and don’t need to be told to relax, as for adoption, weirdly its really tough to adopt, you have to be on a certain wage, in some cases, live in a certain place (house with garden.) Go through all the hoops and classes.
As for the pet comments, I know that some people dress their dogs and cats up in clothes, but its not the same at all as having a baby.
It is tough, because there is so little support out there for secondary infertility and it can be devestating and my miscarriage and inability to concieve was a big part of my mental health breaking down. 7 years on, I am still recovering from that.
So all I am saying is if someone is having difficulty concieving, they are going through a shit ton of emotions, anger, jealousy, sadness. Its all part of it. I would say its a bit like grieving for the death of a love one, but its sometimes a bit harder, because with death you know that its final, with infertility there is a glimmer of hope and everytime your period turns up its a kick in the stomach and do you know what a woman’s body can do if its decided to be a bitch, it makes your period late, giving you that extra bit of hope.
Its a tough journey and for anyone facing it, your feelings are valid and you are not alone.