I had promised my son a treat today, usually a cupcake, what normally happens is my partner goes and picks it up, but that is not what happened today.

Today I had to go and pick it up, being the mature adult I am, I took my son. Had a full blown panic attack in the shop and ended up crying.

Yep today I did adulting shitly.

Still trying to calm down, now I am at home, what I want to do is go back to bed, what my son wants to do is play paw patrol.

Guess I will be playing paw patrol.

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Writing fiction

I have a question for you all. I have written a short story, its a bit bleak but so is my mood.

I am not sure if this is something which I am going to do often, or if it was just a one time thing, however I am wondering if it is a long term thing if I wanted people to read them to put them up here, or make a new blog. While I keep in mind its my blog and I will do what I want. I also want to keep this as a mental health blod, with a bit of random thrown in.

However on the flip side of that I think the stories are an indicition of my mood, so it could be interesting and linked to my mental health.

I hate not being able to make a decision


Oh and because she likes to keep it quiet. Happy Birthday M

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Really shitty luck

My laptop of five years broke, that was upsetting, but my sister let me have her old macbook. That refused to load the OS system, wrong discs, or disc drive was broken.

Sourced another laptop. 2 days and it now refuses to load.

Technology and I clearly do not mix.


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I don’t know anyone like that

Because our PM has called a snap election, we need to get people out there to vote, in the 2015 elections, those who didn’t vote, could of toppled any party. The vote could of gone to anyone. 15.7 million people didn’t bother to vote, who knows what their reasons are, my vote doesn’t change anything? I don’t like politics? I don’t like any of the parties policies.

Well guess what, your vote does change things. You might not like politics, but it effects everything in your life, from what you buy, how you buy it, to how much you earn, your rights, education, doctors, roads, tax, I could go on and on and on.

I don’t agree with one parties policies. I look at politicians and think you are going to ruin this country. That is one of the more polite versions though.

One of the things I keep hearing is that certain things are not happening like working families being forced into food banks, disability benefits being cut so that people are taking their own lives, because they can’t see any other way. People losing their homes because they can no longer afford the outragerous amounts of rent being charged.

Just because you don’t know someone going through it doesn’t mean its not happening. However let me introduce you to someone who is going through just that.

My name is Trina and I write this blog, I have documented my mental health, my frustration with the government system and my weird views on politics.

I received ESA (Employment and support allowance) PIP (personal independent payments) Child Tax credits, child benefits and Housing benefit. Myself and my family are reliant on these.

I receive these disability payments because I suffer from mental health illness. I have bipolar, OCD, and GAD (general anxiety disorder) This basically means I can go from running round a field one day to not moving out of bed the next, I don’t have a typical day, the main thing though is leaving the house. I can get into such a panic that I throw up. After leaving the house for whatever reason, it can days before I am willing to face the world again.

This is not by choice, I can’t control it. If I could, I would be working. No anti depressives have worked yet, but we haven’t given up

Recently I have been moved out of ESA support group to the working group, which means I have to attend interviews.  I can barely leave my house, at the times I do, my partner or my 5 year old son has to come with me.

Let me repeat that for you, 5 years old. A 5 year old has to take care of his own mother.

A five year old child’s main care should be whether or not he is going to get ice cream that day, not whether his mother is going to be able to move off the sofa, or whether the cleaning is more important than playing with him.

This is my child’s life. This is happening up and down the country to many other children.

We can just about to afford the rent, but if I lose my PIP payments, I lose 20% of my housing benefits as I lose the disability part, also council tax will go up. We are on the breadline as it is, but this will sink us into poverty.

This is happening up and down the country to many other people with disabilities.

A random person I have never met will make this judgement on me, they will ignore what the doctor has said, what I have said to make sure that figures are being met.

Again this sort of thing is happening up and down the country, the most vulnerable are being pulled apart thanks to this government.

If you didn’t think you know someone, it could be the parents at the school gate, that person at work, your neighbour.

The one thing I can say is if you read this blog. It is happening to me, to someone you know.

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Easter Holidays and beyond

With the Easter holidays happening, I discovered that unlike a year ago my son needs more entertaining, he is no longer happy to sit and watch whatever shit is on TV.

So it has made it impossible to write, however I now have 7 weeks till the Summer holidays.

And what a fun time it has been, my son turned 5 *sobs*

And a snap General Election, which I am going to write about in more detail later.

However todays post is slightly more personal, my postman (yep him again) bought me my appeal letter for ESA. They have not changed their minds with regards to putting me in the support group, because and I quote

“I consider that you should, without risk to your health, be capable of attending a wide range of WRA offered. The most demanding would be getting up and dressed by a certain time each day and keeping a log to chart progress”


Fantastic, I should be able to attend stuff. I am assuming these things are happening in my house on days when I am not depressed?

Or Manic? Although when manic I would be able to attend but I may disrupt stuff.

The first thing I did was message C (best friend)

Why? because my first instinct. The very first thought in my head was to find a knife and get it over with.

Now I am not an expert on what is normal and what is not but I am fairly sure that should not of been my first thought.

It was just a thought, a fleeting one, but one that scares me, that that is still my go to.

C says I should appeal, my instinct is I am too tried to fight any further. She says rest we continue chatting and now I am just angry.

I want to work, I want to be able to get out there and do something. I am 35 years old, I still have probably another 30 years, I want to be able to own a house, go on holiday, do something which doesn’t involve a prison in the shape of my own house and mind.

I would like to be able to do something on my own. Go shopping, go to a park further distance from my house than across the road.

I want to be able to do all these things and the government seems to think I should be able to. But I can’t at the moment. Maybe its because I can see myself doing them in the future that means they won’t consider me, but I know my limitations and trying to force myself in a job just wont work, it will make me so much worse and then we start back at the beggining.

So for now, I am being angry. I am angry at the world, I am angry at me, I am angry at a healthcare professional I have never met who has deemed me fit to work.


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Wham Bam

I am not going to lie, its been a tough couple of weeks.


I went into a massive spiral of depression. Nothing I did could knock me out of it, I spent the days my son was at school in bed, not doing anything, nothing was working and I could tell in my partner’s eye he was just debating whether he could carry me down to the doctors and make them shove some sort of pill in me.


I was knocked threefold, the anxiety has gotten so bad, it has knocked my confidence, meaning my depression got worse, meaning I couldn’t do any of my jobs so my OCD started playing up, meaning my anxiety got worse, meaning my depression got worse. I think you get the circle.

My brain decided to start working positively again on Saturday, still not brilliant, but enough to drag myself out of bed, so my partner didn’t have to take the day off work.

Then Sunday hit, and we were due to go out with my family for mothers day. The most tempting feeling in the world, was to call and say we were ill, but I rarely see all my family altogether, and while I am not sure if they believe me in one sense, I also am very aware the allowances they make for me and I am grateful for that.

This place was the smallest, busiest place I have been to in years, I was put facing the wall, so I didn’t have to see anything and could just concentrate on my son and my mum (who was sitting next to me) and one of my sister’s who was sitting opposite. It did quieten down after a while, or maybe I just got use to it.

Conversation flowed and was easy to follow, again using distraction. My son was fantastic, once he had gotten over how loud it was. Dinner took a while to get to us, but I did it, my family were there supporting me through it. I am probably never doing it again, but at least I know if I did it once, I can do it again.

This meant Monday was a wipe out, I find it so exhausting, I slept till gone midday and spent the rest of the day exhausted. Even today I am tired, I have slept alot, so I know its just my body going you need to rest.

However some good news I had to go to the job centre to talk to the work support, these people are meant to facilitate my return to work. While I dislike doing it, I can see why I am having to.  I don’t think I am ready yet, I will be at some stage and will be using the facilities to the max. However I think its a waste of time doing it now, but this is what the government have said I have to do.

The lady I met with is lovely and has said that since we don’t know what is happening with my appeal then she won’t reschedule another app for 6 months. I think my jaw dropped. I had resigned myself to doing these meetings till I forced myself into a job.

Got home and was chatting to C about it and pointed out that now I felt like another support group had cut me loose. They can’t win sometimes.

For today, I have spent this morning napping, and now with the little bit of energy I have, I am going to do the cleaning, like making the bed back up. This has to be done as about 4.30 my son got into bed with us, round about 6am I woke up to a very wet leg and bed and him running to the toilet. Its been nearly 3 months since he wet his bed, and he can keep that record going since he did it in mine 😉

Have a great day


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When I grow up

I am seriously thinking about becoming a DIY person, actually go on some courses. Learn the basics.

I mentioned my dishwasher had gone boom, I have looked over it, can’t figure it out, but we think it has something with the water flow system or maybe the pressure pump. In the end called someone to check it, took one look at it and just went you need a new one. Its old, so finding the basics, would be tough.

If I knew what to do I could probably fix it. However I am not messing with something that might end up killing me.

But bugger, I am keeping an eye on freecycle and ebay, to see what we can come up with. Hopefully I can find something. I am keeping an eye on the washing machine though, I could live without a dishwasher, I have a sink, fairly liquid and a sponge. Washing machine, would involve going somewhere to get it washed. Although if push came to shove, I suppose crying to my dad and getting him to let me use his. Or crying hysterically and seeing if he would buy me one. However I am sensing his opinion is you are an adult, buy your own.

Anyway I am off to go and check through gumtree, see what is available there, my partner has put a spanner in the works, by saying that if I get my hands on one, which we will have to collect. Make sure we collect it, when our son is at school. Didn’t think of that, damn him being sensible

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