Out of no where

One of the things, that I hate about my anxiety is the fact it comes out of no where. I can be sitting on the sofa and suddenly boom.

Thats how it has been today, I woke up, had a coffee and suddenly could feel the knot in my stomach, the sick feeling in my mouth, my palms are sweaty and I have no idea why.

For this reason, is why I think CBT (talking therapy) doesn’t work for me. It relies on finding your first thought just before you start to panic, isolate it and think is that realistic. I don’t have that first thought, I go from fine to panic in a second.

While writing this, my partner has just popped home unexpectedly. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Just bloody typical when I am already anxious

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A controversial subject

Its international woman’s day and although I had forgotten about it, it kind of fits in (well I am going to make it fit in) with something I have been researching recently.

I have only just started looking into this subject to try and understand it, so I can form some type of opinion on it. Though I must admit, in many ways it doesn’t effect me.

The subject, sex. Now what I mean been by that is the biological term, male and female, leading me onto trans individuals, particular male to female in sports

Some people see this as very black and white. Should be which ever organs you are born with, should be the field you compete in.

However there is a lot of different colours in there.

I cannot even place myself into feeling like I been born into the wrong body. I can’t imagine, the emotional or mental challenges someone would have to go through.

Rights are still being fought for on this, now you get some people say this is men forcing their way into riding roughshod over woman’s rights. It was this that got me interested. How does this become a female rights argument.

The first example I came across is in a New Zealand weightlifting team, where a transgender woman has been chosen over a female athlete. Another example is in Texas, where again, a transgender woman has won a wrestling title. There are many other examples.

I suppose my issue, is that male and female bodies are different, its not just the sexual organs, skeleton, muscle mass, testosterone. I could go on. Now while you can do certain things to try and change your body its just not possible in today’s science to fully change a male body to a female and visa versa.

This is when the argument that woman’s rights are starting to be eroded. Its not about being able to use a toilet and which one you should use. Its about the fact that women are being dropped out of sports, to allow trans individuals to compete, when its not exactly fair. Now I don’t know what the answer is, at what point do you say this is the right thing to do for indivduals who feel like they have not been born in the right body and this is now not the right thing for women/men.


Then as I was looking into this trying to figure out some answers. I came across an article of a woman who has been charged with rape. In the UK this is unusual as rape in the UK is defined as non consensual with a penis. So in the UK a woman is unable to commit rape, anything that a woman does is classed as sexual assault.

This made me very curious, so I did a bit of digging and found that the woman being charged is biologically a man.

This makes no sense, they are either charging a man with rape, or a woman with sexual assault. But of course it is not as easy as this, other questions such as which prison should they go to?

In no way is this very difficult matter going to be solved by me, in one post sitting on the sofa typing away. However it is something to think about.

A few disclaimers, if I have gotten any terminology wrong and offended anyone I am sorry, I am still learning.

I am in no way saying or thinking that trans individuals shouldn’t have rights, they should. We should live in a world, were we should all live in harmony, having these type of discussions should lead us to understanding other  views and how everyone is feeling. Its a challenging world out there and everyone’s rights should be respected.

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You need to take a time out

Last week was amazingly busy, for someone who doesn’t leave the house, I left it alot. Well 3 times.


Thats a lot for me, all 3 were very enjoyable, but after being manic the weekend before, this week it has all come crushing down. My anxiety is back up to a 10 and I honestly believe that your mind and body needs to rest.

I am awe of people who are always busy and never seem to take a time out. I look at them thinking, don’t you just want to sit down and chill for 10 minutes.

Obviously for me its often longer than 10 minutes. However, while the anxiety is high, for the first time in a while, I also have motivation, while having anxiety. Its a very strange feeling to be honest, part of me wants to curl up and the other part is telling me to go empty the dishwasher.

It does make me hopeful for my future, I often have doubts of working again and that is a very depressing thought. I don’t want to do that, I want to be able to say to my son, be good mummy is going to work.

While I don’t exactly agree with the whole if you are not working you don’t give a good work ethic to your child. I can see exactly where it comes from.

At the moment, my son sees his dad going out to work each day and me looking after him. At some point, I assume it will occure to him that while he at school I am not doing that, but so far I have gotten away with it.

Of course if my blog takes off and I get millions of followers and the money comes flooding in, then I can say this is my job. While I am waiting for that happen I will go and empty the dishwasher 😉

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World book day has arrived

I have recently discovered this is really a UK thing, while the world has a world book day, its in October.

Basically for those not in the UK or do not have children. Your child dresses up as a book character.

Most parents, tend to send their kids in costumes they already have and make a character to fit. Which is exactly what I was going to do, but my sister got involved, she is amazingly crafty. I think when they were giving out arts and crafts gifts, she got mine as well as her’s.


My son wanted to be Stickman, so she did stickman


How awesome is that costume.





P.S Got my roller blades today they are awesome.

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Sometimes you just don’t want to celebrate

Tomorrow is my birthday. Normally, I would of been posting on facebook a week in advanced to make sure everyone remembered, but this year its different. I think this year, I am more tired than in previous years.

I am tired of fighting with the government, the NHS, my own head.

I feel my life should be different, I should be in a job by now, have a nearly 5 year old and a nearly 2 year old.

Its weird how the rest of the year I can happily crack on, but these last few days, I have felt very anxious about the whole thing. I don’t really want it to happen.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not unhappy with my life, more dissatisified that things are not going at the speed I want it to. And everytime I try and force my brain into a faster speed, it has a mini breakdown and I do go 2 steps forward and 5 steps back.

The plus side to my birthday is my partner got my roller blades. I am going to learn how to use them, so I am mega excited.

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My first world book day

Sister: What are you doing for your birthday

Me: I am going to be sobbing, rocking back and forth in a corner with sparkles and costumes surrounding me

Sister: Why?

Me: Its world book day, I know parents of older children

Sister: I will sort something

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Living with……

I often think that the hardest thing with anxiety is that people without it can’t comprehend how difficult it is to do simple things like taking your child to school, during the school run.

Choosing to either go to the shops to get milk or deciding it would be easier to drink your coffee black.

Cutting the dogs walk short because you feel anxious that there is more than 5 people in a massive field.

I think people can understand the big things, not going to the pub on a Friday and Saturday night because it is too crowded, going to big cities. Those are understandable but the small simple day to day things, I see people can’t get their head round.

The other main thing is the feeling that you are often alone in your thoughts and how you feel.

And that one to me is one of the things we need to change in our worlds. If you suffer from anxiety, the inability to sometimes leave your house, the times, when you feel your heart might come out your chest because you are so nervous. The wanting to run away, when you are in a crowd of people. The unexplained feeling of panic.

You are not alone and there is help and people out there that do understand.

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