Sometimes the past starts to makes sense

I have gone a bit crazy on arranging things on my computer and putting them in correct folders. It started with my emails, I do tend to keep all my emails. Its a bit of a hoarder thing I have. by the time I finished C had 37 pages of emails, we should really stop talking as much. But now I have started going through my photos on facebook, I have discovered that I can’t move videos from the video folder, into the correct folder, so what I am going to have to do is take them all down and load them up to the correct folder *sigh*

But I was looking at some old photos, of when myself and my OH went to Portsmouth. You see me jumping on a train to go up to London, down to Portsmouth or anything else on the spur of the moment, to me was just what I did. If I wanted to go see someone in Cardiff, I would jump in the car, on a train and wonder down. However the comment my OH had posted hit home, while we had done this spontatnus day out (I woke up and demanded we went) he noted that I spent the train journey singing and dancing.

At the time, this was just a quirky side of my nature, the fact that I was spontanus was a bit of fun. But now it actually has a more sinister meaning, it means I have been suffering these highs and lows for a lot longer than I thought (this was 2011) I also remember waking up one morning, thinking I have no money, getting a payday loan and going out to London.

The thing is when I get like this, my anxiety takes a backseat. Its almost like it doesn’t exist and I am not sure if I am alone in this. When I have a high, nothing else really matters but what I want to do, on the flip side when I am down, the house could be on fire, but it is not motivational enough to make me move.

I assume it is now a combination of things which is preventing me from working. I have been looking back a lot recently and I can pick up a lot on my behaviours, which at the time where either quirky, that is what young people do or well its just what I do.

for example when I was about 11, I saved money, but not in the usual way, I had 10 pots all different sizes and each coin had to go into each pot, even though with the smallest pot, after about 5 coins it was full and you had to empty it into the second pot. Maybe that was a bit of the OCD coming through.

I had to do things in a certain way at work, which did probably result in me losing my job, and at the time I couldn’t explain why I was doing things that weren’t time effective but had to be done in this way.

I do know the anxiety and panic attacks are a relatively new thing, well three years but when I look back three years is reasonably new.

Of course the flip side to this, is I could be looking for patterns so I am finding them

This entry was posted in disbaility, Mental Health, OCD and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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